Life
by Fitz E Fresh on February 27, 2013

Q: Pretty simple. I've been dating this chick for the last 2 years. She's on the pill. I wanna do the no rubber dance. She isn't down for this at all. There have been times where I've “forgotten” condoms but that just means I'm not getting laid. How do I approach this without sounding like an ass?

A: Oh wow. No offense to you, or your girlfriend, or the past two years of your life…but she does NOT sound like a good time. You gotta endorse safe sex, but come on– TWO precautionary measures? For TWO years? Take a walk on the wild side you squares. Have either of you orgasmed since you started dating? Didn't think so. Cryin', god damn shame. If she's ever had sex without a rubber– which it sort of sounds like she hasn't– she'd know what she was missing out on.

Which is, everything. Ask her to try it once on the pretense that you'll pull out. And that you've been dating for TWO long, numb, anticlimactic years. If she can't make that compromise and you can't go on not feeling sex, I might urge you to move forward with your life at the expense of your ultra cautious girlfriend.

Q: What's the deal if you've been dating a chick for 5 months but she STILL has Facebook albums of her and her ex high school sweetheart of 2 years ago that ended badly?? She claims they remind her of good time periods in her life and I'm overreacting. What's a chick's opinion?

A: I dunno about all of this Internet protocol and Facebook shit. I mean how can you censor anything when the website documents the day you were born on your timeline? Apparently some chick is being sued for bullying a girl on Facebook, which could have been avoided with a simple de-friending. But when the world is at your fingertips, you're gonna see some shit you don't like. Like exes, or girls getting bullied. Such is life in the 21st century, breau droids. I think you can't be sensitive about albums or posts or likes or tags because really, who gives a shit. She probably thinks those albums are private anyways, since I'm sure at some point before Facebook “updated” their privacy policy for the zillionth time, they actually were. Those sneaky sons of bitches. If you catch her flipping through albums crying in the middle of the night, then you might be justified in your concerns. Otherwise, let it go. Or, give her a taste of her own medicine by “liking” one of your exes photos. Virtual payback, bitches.

Q: I keep getting boners at the gym. Between lifting weights and seeing girls in those yoga pants just really gets me going. I want to be fit but I think it's getting noticeable which is just embarrassing. What should I do??

A: One suggestion would be a jock strap…or from what I hear from what the middle school boys tell me, (what?) the “tuck” is quite effective.

Shame can be ugly, and dignity requires sacrifice. 

Write that down.

You're gonna have to conquer this somehow because those tight butts are not gonna disappear; and who would want them to anyways? Either you join a bros-only gym (gross) or conjure some really disturbing images of your parents having sex, or adult circumcisions to prevent your dick from getting swole when the rest of your body is trying to do so without it.

Q: Kill, fuck, marry internet celebrity edition. Dom Mazzetti, the Jersey Sports Fan, or the original bad boy of Grand Blanc Michigan, Karl Welzein. I think for a girl there is a correct answer, but I'm interested in your opinion.

A: Fuck, yes breau. This is the best question I've received all year. Thrilled to wax on the subject. Glad to be here.

I happen to know the Jersey Sports fan, and I fucking love him. To say he's a gentleman and charmer would be..an understatement. Or a lie, depending on if you're sober or not. Regardless he leaves me lol'ing whether in character or not, and a part of me feels like I could live happily ever after at the jersey shore feeding bud heavies to my alcoholic husband while he yells at our basic cable. Marital fucking bliss.

Plus potentially getting great seats at various New York sports games and gaining C-list celebrity status wouldn't be so bad either. There's also a chance we could end up banned from every MSG event, but hell- it's all for the love of the game. Put that motherfucking cubic zarconia on my finger baby.

As far as Dom Mazzetti goes I've never met him, but even if he is a fictitious character if you know me, you should know that I fucking hate guidos. So Dom is getting murdered. Shot without a second thought. Not that I condone gun violence. Though I did see Kendrick Lamar last night so I'm feeling a little rowdy. I digress.

Lastly, Karl. That Crüe and dorite loving son of a bitch. His passion for babes, America and Guy Fieri lead me to believe he'd be a savage in the bedroom; and I'm into it, you guys. And considering that “boner” is part of his pseudonym, I'd like to think he wouldn't disappoint. So fuck me, Karl.

That's my tale in a nutshell. Thanks for your well thought out question — hope my response lives up to your expectations.

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[Condom image via ShutterStock]