Life
by J. Camm on June 5, 2012

Q. I am a decently attractive female, in a relationship with a guy for about 2 years now. I love him, but it is clear that I wear the pants in the relationship. (He's a bit emotional for me.)

Is there any way that I can tell him to “man up” a bit more, without sounding like a bitch?

A. This, right here, is the million-dollar dilemma for chicks. On one hand, I bet you love that this sap has an empty scrotum; you probably drag this poor f*ck into countless feminine scenarios, don’t you? Just going to one gallery opening after the next. But on hand numero dos, you walk all over him and although that’s rad for when you want to watch “Real Housewives” it sucks for when you want to be protected from harm or f*cked hard.

It sounds (to me) like this guy doesn’t think you’re on equal playing fields. He is probably laying down to you because he can’t believe you’ve actually gone out with him so he’ll do whatever is necessary to keep you happy, keep you with him. Only problem is in doing so the exact opposite is happening. 

Telling him to man-up isn’t going to work (or maybe it will, seeing as how he’s already obedient). What you need to do is reverse the roles. The first thing is to stop wearing the pants. Instead, put him in positions of power. Let him make decisions. Let him do the heavy lifting. Make sure he’s the one who always drives the car (should you own one). Try having a more old-school relationship where the roles are defined. Meaning, no matter how great his mango chutney may taste, take back the kitchen and have him do some manual labor or blow farts on the couch while you cook him dinner.

In the bedroom, make him feel like it’s YOU that can’t resist him. Blow him without expecting anything in return. When he offers to reciprocate say “No, I was just in the mood to suck your manly-smelling dick.” Then gargle his j*zz with a bit of flare and gusto.

O.K., so maybe that last part is overkill but it honestly can’t hurt. To make him “man-up” he needs to be, and feel, empowered. If that doesn’t work and he remains an emo pushover, kick him to the f*cking curb. No sense in delaying the inevitable. 

Q. I exclusively watch POV porn because nothing kills the mood more than seeing some creep's 'sex face' while I'm trying squeeze one out. It came up in conversation with a bro, and he thinks my strict POV diet is weird. I was wondering what your point of view was on the issue.

A. Let’s get right to the heart of it: jerking off is all about preference, individuality, FUN. Figuring out what really makes you tick could take some trial and error but you seem to have hit your stride with POV so why regress? Because your friend thinks you're weird? If he thinks a strict diet of heterosexual POV p*rn is weird then I’d love to see his browsing history. Probably some cringe-worthy sh*t in there.

I can't say that I stick to POV (if you can't stop looking at the dude's face or junk with other camera angles then you're missing the point of this exercise) but if it gets the job done in the fastest time you shouldn't be deterred or feel the need to try something else. My point is: jerk off to what you like. Shaking out a fist full of j*zz is supposed to be enjoyable, not tumultuous.

Q. Would you rather get multiple paper cuts on your dick, or have light an entire pack of M80's in your underwear?

A. In what alternate universe are these two even close to being at the same level of despair? Isn't that the reason we do “would you rather” questions? To make someone choose from equally awful plights? The paper cuts will heal normally and in about a month your dick will look the same as it did prior. AT BEST, a pack of M-80s will leave your cock looking like a piece of chewed gum while your nuts will likely cease to exist — or permanently resemble a walnut.

Q. I know that every guy has been here. So I'm just going to throw it out there…what’s the best thing to do if your girl starts giving you one of those handjobs that feels like a cheese grater? Assuming this isn't some random, how would you tell her to try something else…in a polite manner.

A. Tell her there won’t be any dick left for her to jerk if she keeps doing what she’s doing. If that doesn’t work, start scratching her clit with your nails and asks how she likes it.

I know what your thinking, and yeah, it doesn't get more “polite” than either of those options.

But seriously, if she's your girlfriend, just set her straight. It's a f*cking handjob, a primer before you slide it into that sloppy puss of hers. All she really needs to do is ease up on her grip and I doubt letting her know that is going to crush her feelings. Obviously that's not the method to use in other situations, like if you also have to tell her that she kisses like a pile of sh*t or if you feel the need to mention how inelastic her vag is. But for handjobs, being blunt is really your best bet.

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