Welcome to my confessional. Here, you’ll find a deep examination of the things I routinely do but am embarrassed by. Please don’t make too much fun of me.
Watch Downton Abbey on an illegal streaming site because it’s not yet out in the US
Did you know that season 4 of Downton Abbey is on TV in the UK? Of course you didn’t.
While other people are watching Sunday Night Football or Homeland, I’m making sure I have a solid stream so I can check in on the goings on of an aristocratic family in a bygone age.
Constantly check activity on social media
Whenever I send out a tweet or post a photo on Instagram, I cannot stop checking if people are interacting with me. I seek this constant validation that my thoughts are either funny or insightful (they’re not), or that my life is so interesting as to warrant interaction (it’s not). Instead, I’m a depressive who can't stop hitting the refresh button on the Twitter connect page.
Use my iPhone for porn
This is a desperate move. And you know what? It’s really a horrific experience across the board. First, you have to navigate the mobile version of your favorite site, which, in my experience, leads to a much worse selection of reality MILF porn. Then you have to pull the whole “phone-in-left-hand-sort-of-squinting” move. You also have to really commit to the video that you chose, because you can’t easily go back and switch videos.
If you’re watching porn on your iPhone, you’re not in a good place.
Use my parent’s family plan
There’s no way I’m paying for the data to stream porn on Verizon’s 4G network. Shit's expensive.
Use hair product
Hair product has become ubiquitous in the life of the modern young adult. I guess it make my hair look marginally better, but at what cost? I use this stuff that looks like really milky jizz. I hope it’s not real jizz.
Get grabbed by the headlines of gossip magazines while checking out at a grocery store
Every time I head to the grocery store, the same thing happens. I buy my shit and get in line behind a woman buying nine packs of Oreos, and the gossip magazines enthrall me.
Wait, ScarJo is telling all?? You can help me have my best fall yet! YOU HAVE THE SECRET DETAILS ON THE KIMYE WEDDING???
Not own a credit card
I know this is embarrassing. I work very hard to make sure this never comes up, because it inevitably leads to the, “Oh, you really should have credit. It’ll help you out big time in the future!” conversation. Don’t you think I know that? I’m just too scared that they won’t give me one and I’ll be a failure.
Also, every time a cashier asks, “Credit or debit?” I’m tempted to say credit just so I can live in my own fantasy world.
Order a meal for three on Seamless
Holy shit is it easy to order an embarrassing amount of food on Seamless. My nightly routine goes, “Ooo, I’d like a burger. It doesn’t come with fries? I’ll add those. But I might want onion rings? I’ll get those, too. What about a shake? Also, I’ll probably be hungry tomorrow, so let’s get a second meal.”
Every time I open my apartment door for a delivery guy, I can sense him looking in to check if there’s another person, or if it really is all just for me. It’s always just for me.
Write under a pseudonym
Who do I think I am? Nice, nom de plume, Chaps!
But seriously, I’m not trying to get fired, and how else would I reveal that I use my iPhone for “recreational” purposes?