Everyone has the guy who sets up the spring break trip. Maybe its even you. Their kindness is beyond words; what a selfless act! What's that? They get a free trip out of it? And some cash? Is that why they railroaded all of us to go to "El Pueblito," which is a 20 minute cab ride from any American females and features a Zagat score of 6? (And why the Indian kid from Econ got invited to get a 10th).
Everyone has that guy, and my guy was Thunder Dan. To get us excited (and more importantly, paying) he kept talking about how insane it was going to be, and how the hotel has a swim up pool bar, and how the chicks at this hotel wouldn’t just have big boobs but maybe even a Total-Recall-level three boobs. We all succumbed to these fantastic promises, like children who don't yet know that the world is a dark and faithless hell-scape. And when we arrived, it wasn’t what Thunder Dan promised. The hotel looked like a junkie's summer home, and the pool cleaners must have gone on strike two years ago. "Swim Up Pool Bar" was little more than a Mexican with an extension cord and a blender sitting on the side of the pool. Thunder Dan sold us a bill of goods and we paid for it, both literally and figuratively. Only the Indian kid did an immediate cannonball out of sheer joy. Which brings me to my first truth:
You Will Forgive The Guy Who Planned Your Shitty Spring Break
You're there, you may as well enjoy yourself. So, turn that frustration into an opportunity to ball-bust your buddy for not just the week, but for the rest of your life. It's worth the trouble for the one thing you can hold over his head until he draws his very last breath on this Earth. "Hey Thunder Dan I know your left arm is tingling and your having some shortness of breath, but remember that used condom at the swim up pool bar?..."
What Happens at Spring Break Doesn't Stay at Spring Break
Even before the camera phone this wasn’t possible. Girls get nicknames that last forever from Spring Break. I’m twenty-eight and yesterday I referred to some chick amongst a group of dudes as, “Vagina Tan” (it’s usually VT or Virginia Tech or Big Black Pussy to keep things civil and discrete) and it wasn’t because she and I used to hook up. It was because sometimes a wet tshirt contest can have the same effect as taking ecstasy. Sometimes a girl can get so caught up in the competitive spirit that she says “I will not lose this wet tshirt contest even if it means showing my off-colored vagina.” Sometimes she wins and 10,000 spring breakers cheer like she just cut off the head of a lion in the Coliseum. Sometimes she goes to your school and when you get back you tell everyone and start randomly referencing Virginia Tech even though you know not one person who has ever gone to that school.
This doesn’t mean to stop telling people “What happens in Cancun, stays in Cancun.” I’m saying the exact opposite. Repeat it again and again. I’d even whisper it into a girls ear just before you make the move for the wrong hole (nostril obviously). Someone will be convinced. Someone will actually believe that in the day of videos instantly posting on Facebook that you and 10,000 spring breakers can keep a secret and some girl will show her vagina and it will be your 9/11. You’ll never forget.
You Will Not Have Sex
I know what you’re thinking, “Screw you J-Train, I’ll be cumming more than a stud at a horse farm.” And that’s what I’m trying to help you with. Go in with the expectation of seeing a lot of sexual stuff, having a great time, and getting into some weird situations. If you go in thinking this will be a constant orgy then you’ll push too hard and come off a little rapey (and by “little,” I mean “a lot,” and by “a lot,” I mean see the “What Happens On Spring Break” portion of this column and expect a new nickname. Just ask my buddy, “Duke Lax.”)
You just have to trust your inner dude that when the chance to have sex arises you step up to the opportunity. It’s like when Jordan did that layup where at the last second he switched to the left hand. When asked about the shot he said it was just instincts. Be like Jordan, don’t force it, trust your instincts, then tell your future kids they will never be as great as you, be like Jordan.
One Of Your Buddies Will be Immortalized
Someone will do something awesome that you’ll never forget. We had one buddy drink five full glasses of tequila back to back. He’s dead now and we still pour out a little Natty before every shotgun.
Someone Will Get Cripplingly Sun Burnt
Go feel like a woman for a couple of hours and do some sessions at a tanning booth. If you take my advice you’ll be much happier. If you’re thinking “I’m too bro for that” as you click the “Not Bro” cup then have fun trying to hook up. Getting sunburnt on vacation is like getting cancer. Everyone looks at you kind of sadly, asks you how you’re doing, brings it up all of the time and people will randomly take their thumb and press it on your chest to see how quickly it turns white and back to red. I’ve always said the worst part about cancer is the random thumb presses.
Someone Will All Of The Sudden Look Fat
Girls will never look better than they do the weeks leading into Sophomore year spring break. They’re working out like animals to get ready and it’s been months since they’ve eaten enough to poop. So look at the girl to your right, look at the girl to your left, they will both get fatter. Dudes prepare differently. They’ve either shot themselves up with enough PEDs to make Lance Armstrong blush or they are starting their regiment TODAY. The today guy’s killing himself this week. Wearing trash bags at the gym, calling the girl who took a semester off for her bulimia problem, he’s putting his nose to the grindstone. And the weird part about water weight is that day one he will look great. But day two? You’re going to wonder how Rob got pregnant and why his chin strap beard is lining the middle of his cheek.
You Will Meet A B-Level Celebrity And Do Something Weird With Them
When I was on Spring Break I met one of the Real World guys. Ended up at a strip club together and talking about life. I learned a lot that night like “Dudes just need to rage” and “Strippers love when you tell them you’re married” and “The Real World is the best experience of your life until your first kid out of wedlock.” The whole experience will be kind of depressing. It’s going to be like the “Just Like Us” section of US Magazine. Like “Hey there’s Steve-O crying before doing a line” and there’s “Tila Tequila dying!” The same thing as Us Magazine without feeling like you’re in the same boat at all.
One Dude Will Meet His Future Girlfriend
This is one of those “Strange But True” things that you could never see coming (just like girls never pooping). You’re going to be at the beach and you’re going to say some of the most offensive things you’ve ever said about a girl’s body. You’ll go on and on about “Slam Pigs” and “Donkey Hoes” and “Horse Trailers” and “Chicken Heads” (your black friend) and I’m just giving you fair warning that one of those animals will become a part of your life. One of your buddies is going to hook up and come back beaming. And you’re going to want to stand up at the beach and give a speech that compares her body to a hippo that had sex with Adele. Let me warn you that this beautiful speech will be a tough one to repeat at their wedding. Probably because you won’t be invited.
You’ll See a Penis
It might be Tila’s while she’s dying and you might have the best story ever.
Jared Freid is a New York City-based comedian who you can see on MTV’s Failosophy on Thursdays at 10:30pm. Follow him on Twitter @jtrain56 for videos, columns, and more stories about “Vagina Tan.” You can also subscribe to his Facebook page here.
passed out drunk guy pic via shutterstock