I love women. Not because my mother was the model of femininity or taught me how to cherish and respect the fairer sex. On the contrary. I love you women because the more I humiliate, berate and refuse to pander to your insecurities the more you love me back.
Don’t believe me? Go read my book. Recently, however, I have grown increasingly annoyed with what comes out of your mouths. So much so that I haven’t even wanted to barricade your tramp traps with my long, hard man logic in fear of becoming some kind of Raccoon City feminist zombie hell bent on destroying mankind (the sex not the species).
We all know that women are dumb. Ok, maybe not dumb like a baby but definitely dumb like a woman. “What does that even mean?” you might ask. Exactly.
To help bridge the gap between your tiny female brain only capable of folding laundry and matching colors and my capacious cranial member (I just made that word up and it’s already in the dictionary. See how much better I am than you) able to move objects entirely on its own and bend thoughts using only space and time (Central not GMT) I have come up with a list of the dumbest $hit you’ve told me and why you’re still fourth in command (behind all of my guy friends and Chaz Bono for making the right decision and becoming a man despite God’s best efforts. Further proof God is a woman). You’re welcome.
“If he really loves me he will stick with me through the hard times”
If you really loved him you would quit being a self-centered whore who makes out with random guys while keeping Mr. Right in the friend zone because you haven’t gotten over your daddy issues. The only women I’ve ever met that say this need professional counseling. I bet you feel you really need a man that understands you and supports you despite how tough things can be. The only thing that’s tough for these women is keeping a d!ck out of their mouths and a credit card in their pockets. “But Josh, what about if my parents die?” A death in the family is always a bad thing (except in mine) but no one breaks up over Uncle Pete dying (your uncles name is Pete). You know why? Because that’s called life not ‘hard times.’
Fret not my little alabaster bar troll. Just so you know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You will be the first one of your friends to find a man that loves you, cherishes you and supports you and your son from your first marriage through those perennial ‘hard times.’ But then you’ll cheat on him right before your wedding. Then leave your husband of three months for your boyfriend of five months. Then you’ll try to sleep with your best friends ex-boyfriend won’t you Brandy? Tell your new husband I said hello. Oh wait, what?
“Does this make me look fat?”
Yes, and do you know why? Because if it didn’t make you look fat you would still be in front of the mirror admiring yourself you shallow skank. What you fail to realize, Kim Kardashian (you’re now ugly in a hot way), is that when you ask us this question we think you mean “compared to us men.” Compared to us you never look fat. But even if you have gained a few pounds you have just opened yourself up to a whole new genre of men: Blacks, Rednecks, Mexicans and my dad. I personally like petite girls if only because their insides are proportionate to my outside. That’s the great thing about being a writer though, women flock to us like tweens at a Jason Beaver (did I spell that right) concert.
“Oh, well, okay. I’m gonna go get drunk with my friends then and eat so many wings I spend all night in the bathroom instead of with you celebrating your cousins ex-fiancée’s birthday. Wait, why are you yelling at me? But you just said it was fine. Didn’t we have this same argument the other night about saying what we really feel and deciding ‘yes you kind of look fat’ wasn’t the appropriate response? Okay, okay, it’s not fine…. Huh? So it is fine? I – - I don’t want to have opinions anymore.”
“If it wasn’t meant to be, it wasn’t meant to be.”
This sounds a lot like a cop-out to men. Did you try as hard as you could? No, well why don’t you try harder?
“If she is worth it you would try harder.”
Well which one is it? If it wasn’t meant to be but I could have tried harder then what am I left with? The answer: whore logic.
If men tried harder then we already have that would mean she was worth more than we think she is and that just can’t be true. If we tried harder than we think we should that would make us the daddy issue’s girl. If we tried less than we should have that would make us… you know what… I’m tired of trying to explain this to you. You’re not good with logic. Let’s just move on.
“I don’t know. What do you want to do?”
Understand this ladies, a guy’s honest answer to this question will always be sex. It’s 5p.m. and I haven’t eaten yet? Sex. We’re sitting in traffic and should really take a detour to save time? Sex. It’s Sunday afternoon on a nice cool autumn day? Football, but also sex.
“I want to fulfill your fantasies.”
We’re gonna need KY jelly, two pairs of handcuffs, The Little Mermaid dvd, a camcorder, two trained monkeys, melted caramel. Ask your friend Katy if she can pick up a homeless guy and preachers outfit on her way over. Saran wrap, a bootlegged copy of the ’97 Rose Bowl, Kama Sutra for Amputee’s, one small umbrella, one large umbrel… What’s that? Oh, um, I meant full eye contact missionary position with talking and cuddling afterwards.”
I’ve only heard this three times in my life: Once from a girl only trying keep me from leaving her busted ass, once from a girl who was already pregnant before I met her and was clearly insane and once from a girl who was legitimately preggers but couldn’t have a baby because of health issues. Don’t believe me? Seriously, you need to read my book. In the timeless words of my boy D, “Bitches be crazy.” Bitches be crazy indeed my friends.
Through some study by some scientists I read about why flipping through the pages of Playboy during my morning dump I read that an estimated 10% of all births are to non-biological fathers. That means the odds are one in ten that your (yes yours) girlfriend is not only cheating on you but also let that shooting guard from the Lakers bust all up in dem guts. To make matters worse, once you sign the paperwork, like it or not, you’re now legally the father even after you find out the truth you cuckolded son of a cuckolded father.
My solution: “Oh, you think it’s mine? Have the baby, pay for the paternity test and prove it’s mine. What’s that? You just wanted $300 for the abortion? Tell you what Princess Peach Tits, have the abortion, bring me the paperwork and I will split the cost with you.”
“There are no good men left in the world.”
Why? Did all of the good men have a conference and decide to move fifty miles away from you just to supplant your hopes and dreams with a life of Ellen and cat litter? Listen Anne Heche (you’re now a hot rug muuncher), saying there are no good men left in your town is like me saying “Even though I really want pizza, because there’s not one in my freezer (although I have the ingredients to make it), I will just keep eating fast food because it’s more readily available despite it being bad for me.” Or better yet “I will just go without eating because I wanted Italian sausage and all I have is this low fat Canadian bacon. Sure it might be better for me in the long run but it won’t satisfy my desire for dark meat right now.”
Any girl that says this is either in desperate need of attention or simply isn’t worthy of a good man. When we hear this we immediately think you’re a sniffling cry baby red flag #10 type of girl who isn’t willing to put the time and effort into improving yourself, a wholesome relationship or keeping your man satisfied.
If you’re attracted to someone you need to ask yourself if that someone would also find you attractive. If the answer is ‘no’ then instead of thinking ‘He should love me for who I am’ you should really think about the men you’re chasing and where you rank in the hierarchy of women. Chances are your number is lower than you think, and not just by a little you delusional Rosie O’Donnell (you’re now a fat lesbian). It’s okay though. With a little effort and more attractive friends you’ll be sleeping with Lamar Odom in no time (see what I did there? I insulted you with what is now a compliment).
Guys know women need a partner to validate them and it takes a real man to keep from preying on the women still looking for this. One day Prince Charming Writer will come along and recognize it’s truly what’s on the inside that counts… as long as what’s on the inside is him. But not before totally getting to third base with your best friend before she broke down and started crying. I really feel sorry for her husband.