Life
by Jake Fowler on March 5, 2014

facebook-male

What’s more annoying:

People complaining on social media, or people complaining about people complaining on social media and doing nothing about it? As a solutions-oriented muffhugger, I wanted to share a few ways to be better on social media.

Note: This is not a boring-ass, condescending article giving you tips like: On Facebook, leave political opinions to the pros, like Cyrus Beene! Those people have less than 200 Facebook friends and use their tears as lube.

1. Write better “Happy Birthday!” messages on Facebook

When I see “Happy birthday!” posted on someone’s Facebook timeline, I want to punch myself in the dick. This is how you want to celebrate a friend’s special day?  You literally can’t think of one creative sentence a year? The birthday girl’s parents, who made sweet love 23 years and 9 months ago, should slap you in the face. Here are a few better ways to do it:

  • Write something thoughtful:

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  • Compose a homoerotic poem (this one has a few inside jokes, but you get the point):

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  • Remix a current song:

I highly recommend Miley’s “23″ or T-Swift’s “22.” Here’s a plug-and-play Miley example if you had a friend named Hutch who enjoys cargo shorts:

In the bar, straw in beer, with some shades on,
Cargo’d up, polo shirt, with a lei on.

Hutch loves street meat.
Hutch loves street meat.
Hutch loves street meat.
So get like Hutch.

  • Be timely:

Christmas babies generally get the shaft with presents, so they shouldn’t get cheated on the Facebook wall. I’ve found holiday hymns get a lot of likes. Here’s an example of what you could write if you had a Hispanic friend named Mitch who was born in Ripon, Wisconsin:

Hark! The herald angels sing, glory to the new-born Mitch,
Peace on Earth, and salsa mild, God and Vegas reconciled,
Joyful, all ye Jerrys rise, join the triumph of the craps die,
With th’angelic host proclaim, “Mitch is born in Ripon!”

  • Utilize the “See Friendship” section:

This is stealing. Simply go to the birthday boy’s profile and click here:

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You’re then presented with every magical wall interaction you’ve had since you’ve been friends. As you might imagine, this is pretty damn amusing. For me, 2008 was a year spent learning about simple business principles.

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2. Congratulate your bros on new friendships

At least three times a day, you’ll see “_____ and Chad” are [insert girl name] friends” in your newsfeed. You can comment on this friendship. I’ve found the following comments generally go over well:

  • OMG, you weren’t kidding about those eyes. Someone toss me a life preserver; I’m drowning!

  • This the girl you said should start a fashion blog?! Wow, serious #streetstyle.

3. Endorse Your Friends on LinkedIn

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LinkedIn now lets you customize the endorsements you can provide to connections. You literally can type in whatever you want. While leadership, sales experience and SEO are all worthwhile endorsements that could enhance your job prospects, Weather, Beavers, Spelunking, Maximizing Gains, Moms, Lil’ Spooning, ROI and Being Hot But Not Knowing It are probably more fun.

4. Use Heffe whenever possible on Instagram

Don’t even think about tagging me in anything 1977. For shits and gigs, here is what the other filters say about you:

  • Hudson: Your to-do list is color-coded.

  • Nashville: You pause once per day and imagine your life is a movie.

  • X-Pro II: At the gym water fountain, you fill up your whole water bottle while people are waiting in line for a sip.

  • Lo-Fi: You live for Smart Art in PowerPoint.

  • Willow: When it rains, you put on Adele “Chasing Pavements” and smile.

  • Earlybird: You love craft beer and have the word “ninja” in your Twitter bio.

  • Kelvin: Game recognize game. Let’s be friends.

5. Make Baby Photos More Boss

So you can’t resist posting photos of your kid, niece, adopted cousin you see only at Thanksgiving…fiiiiiiiiiiiiine. Don’t ever change.

But let’s step it up for fuck’s sake. Enough with the cuteness. Or in many cases, semi-cuteness that everyone sympathy “likes. “(Sorry, I’m bitter my kid’s gonna be Goth.) It’s time to make the #BossBaby hashtag a thing. I’m talking children straight mean muggin’.

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6. Hold people accountable

You can’t let people/brands just run wild out there. Real friends check their peers.

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7. Utilize Pinterest

Bros generally scoff at Pinterest, and for the most part, they should. However, there are two ways I can think of that every man can leverage Pinterest.

  • To Make Women Laugh

Example:

Attractive woman: I like your shoes.
You: Thanks. I saw them on Pinterest.

Example:

You: Wow, I love your apartment. I feel like I’m on Pinterest right now.
Attractive woman: LOL.

Example:

Attractive woman: I had the worst day.
You: You know, life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass; it’s about learning to dance in the rain.
Attractive woman: Wow, that’s deep.
You: I can’t take the credit. I have to thank Pinterest.

  • To find thoughtful gifts for any girl

Simply check out her “My Style”, “Must Haves”, or “OMG Want!” boards and thoughtfully pick out your gift based on the occasion. Every photo links right to where you can buy each item, so you only have to venture to a store to buy the tissue paper and bag you’re going to put it in.

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8. Only use #Blessed unless you’re truly blessed

These situations, and not much more, warrant adding #blessed to a social media post.

  • You are sitting next to Mila Kunis’ bachelorette party in a Vegas club

  • You’re rich enough to Uber with 8X surge pricing somewhere 11 minutes 5 seconds away

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  • The stylist at the Hair Cuttery doesn’t try to talk to you once

  • It’s snowing and you have an elevator conversation with a babe co-worker you’ve never talked to before. That doesn’t involve the weather

Jake Fowler is a regular BroBible columnist who also runs the blog Big Balls Ideas. Follow him on Twitter.

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