Kate Middleton is preggers and it’s already getting way too much attention from the media. As a matter of fact, me writing this article right now is actually drawing even more attention and it hurts my soul. But how can we ignore the fact that this zygote is probably the luckiest zygote to have formed in the last quarter century. Below are 8 things that this royal zygote already has, that you will never have.
Side Note: Unlike the media I like to be accurate, which is why I am referring to this thing as the royal zygote. Calling it a baby infers that it has been born. Right now, it is, in fact ,a zygote, soon it will be the royal blastocyst, then it will be the royal fetus and when it is born, we can finally refer to it as the royal baby. Let’s just hope that it doesn’t become the royal miscarriage. Now, proceed.
8. Unprecedented Amounts of Fame
This thing is way more famous than you’ll ever be. It doesn’t have a name, it doesn’t have a social security number and it doesn’t even have a formed body, but the entire world knows about it and the world cares about it enough to consume it’s media coverage. You will never achieve this sort of fame, unless you become a serial killer, or the president, or some kind of movie star. But be honest with yourself here; you’re reading this article, which means you’re probably off task, which means you’re probably a slacker, which means you probably won’t work hard enough to become any of those things, thus proving my point.
7. Ridiculous Amounts of Money
This zygote is worth more money than you could even comprehend. The entire royal family has over a billion dollars and one way or another, that money is all tied to this zygote. The thing hasn’t even stepped out of the womb and it could buy a jet if it really wanted to. I’m not saying you won’t be this wealthy but… Well actually, I am saying that.
Unless you can swoon a princess, convince her to love you, convince her entire super judgmental royal family to love you and then somehow make the tabloids love you, you will never be royalty. The fact that Prince William’s sperm made contact with this egg is a monumental event for the baby that will one day shoot out of Kate Middleton’s vagina hole. Royalty gives it the right to be a snob and literally do anything it wants to do in the world. Which brings us to our next point.
5. Anything It Wants
Whether through monetary purchase or sheer royal status, this zygote can pretty much have whatever it wants whenever it wants it. All this zygote has to do is snap it’s fingers (when it has them) and royal servants will fetch it whatever its not quite developed heart desires. You will never have this luxury.
4. Multiple Castles
This zygote already has claim to 10 of the largest castles in the world, all of which that have a full staff on hand all the time. Maybe one day you’ll own a mansion (probably not), but it would take 10 of your mansions (that you probably won’t have) to equal 1 of the Royal Family’s 10 castles. If the zygote is a boy, girls will drop their panties just to see pictures of his castles. Lucky bastard. This is a powerful mechanism for getting pussy that you will never possess.
3. Its Own Country
One day this zygote will own England and you’ll probably still be making car payments on a used Toyota Camry.
2. Kate Middleton as Its Mother
Kate Middleton is HOT, and whatever does end up coming out of her bat cave gets to call her mom. Kate Middleton will never be your Mom; which I guess is probably a good thing because then all your friends would be like, “Your Mom is hot!” And you’d be like, “I know! And I can’t do anything about it because she’s my Mom.” You probably wouldn’t say that (at least I hope you wouldn’t say that) but seriously, it would suck to have your friends always talking about your hot mom.
1. This Amazing Article
Look at me, writing an article about a royal person that doesn’t fully exist yet. Now look at me NOT writing an article about you. Unless you invent something fascinating, or do the most BRO thing ever, this is how it’s going to be. I will never write a slightly offensive article about you. Sorry.
I know it’s depressing to think that this zygote has all these wonderful things (and probably a lot more) without having ever taken a breath. But cheer up, because if you work really hard, maybe one day you’ll be able to afford a mortgage payment on a shitty track house in the suburbs with a wife who’s slowly gaining weight and a kid you didn’t mean to have.
Aristotle is a Florida based comedian who thinks that in 3 years the royal baby is going to be a ROYAL PAIN IN THE ASS. You can follow him on Twitter @sToTle.