Athletes
by Claire Voyant on April 23, 2014

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Every once in a while you’ll find yourself in a little predicament: It’s Thursday night and you’re all alone. Well, your dog is with you but other than that, alone. Do you want to go to bed? No… not yet. Do you want to get ready and head out with friend? Nah, too lazy. So you decide to do the unthinkable - DRINK ALONE. Men and women are obviously very, very different and the way we drink alone is no exception.

Below are the eight phases of drinking alone – Women VS. Men.

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PHASE 1 Women- ‘The Local Grocer’

The liquor store is too far away and besides, you’re out of cheesy puffs and need to replenish the stash. So, you head to your local grocer for a quick trip in and out and head straight to the wine section. Hmmmmm what to choose, what to choose? A nice Moscatto? Nah – too sweet. Perhaps a little Pinot Grigio? Nah – feeling adventurous time to break the mold. Red wine. Wow, there are so many options HOLY CRAP 40 bucks for a bottle of wine??! Who am I, Paris Hilton? Your eyes begin to wander down… and down… and down… until you’ve reached the bottom shelf. The 3 dolla-holla wine shelf. The holy grail of cheap drinking. Your 6th sense begins to kick in telling you that maybe, juuuuuust maybe $3 wine isn’t the best choice for the night… you start to waver… eyes lifting back up when BAM! 1.5 LITERS OF WINE FOR $6?! SOLD! “This will last me at least 3 weeks”, you tell yourself. You grab the bottle and the cheesy puffs and check out. Fancy pants: ON.

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Phase 1 Men – Put on Basketball Shorts.

That’s it. That’s all they do. No thought into the process – just gotta let the boys downstairs breath a little.

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Phase 2 Women – ‘The First Glass’

The first glass is the most confusing glass of the whole night. First of all, you aren’t used to drinking red wine so the taste immediately makes you cringe. Regret. Regret all over the place. Is it that you just don’t like red wine? Is it that you bought a bottle of wine 1.5 liters of wine for $6?  It’s too late to change your mind now because the sweatpants are on and the hair is in a bun. So, you grab your dog and the cheese puffs and tune into ’16 And Pregnant’.

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Phase 2 Men – Drive to Local Gas Station and Buy A Case of Budlight

Literally, that’s it. Dudes know what they want as soon as they get there. $12 for a 6 pack of IPA – fuggggg dat. Stick to the always trustworthy Budlight for it will never lead you astray.

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Phase 3 Women – ‘Glasses 2-3′

Prior to this point you’ve been sitting in shock, feeling no empathy towards the pregnant teens. Just sitting in a state of shock and disbelief. But now, as your face begins to warm up, you start to feel for these girls. Are those tears? Why are there tears? UGH – quick! Time to get up and freshen that glass o’feelings.

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Phase 3 Men – Turn on Xbox

Yup. This is about the most emotional part of the night for any dude. A few brewskies and a 15 year old in Bejing talkin‘ shit will get any guy fired up, sober or drunk. This phase consists of some screaming and ”your mom jokes.” That’s about it. Kinda simple.

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Phase 4 Women- ‘Glass 4′

As you begin to pour the 4th glass you are amazed at how much you’re beginning to like red wine. Thank God you have about half a bottle left to get you through the next 2 weeks! This is the last one, though. No more after this. Usually 3 is a good limit but whatevs. You’re being fancy and alone tonight so no one will ever know. Time to sit back on the couch and TURN THE CHANNEL to anything but teen pregnancy. Maybe you’ll watch some Tosh.0, get a few laughs in – oh wait…. is that ‘The Notebook’? Every girl loves this movie so you decide to sit back and enjoy one of the greatest romances of all time. Oh look, your glass is empty…. and there’s still an hour left of the movies0o0o0o0o.

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Phase 4 Men – Chug 5 Beers

Dudes love chugging beers. They’ll chug 5 quick ones and get back to Xbox. Snooze fest over here, bros.

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Phase 5 Women – ‘Glasses 5-6′

At this point you have set yourself up for destruction. All of the elements of an emotional breakdown are present. Sad movie? Check. Alcohol? Check. A puppy? Check. Loneliness? Check. The smart thing to do would be to go to bed. But that’s too easy and you know what? You know who you haven’t talked to in awhile? Your ex-boyfriend from 6th grade. That bastard deserves a phone call. He didn’t act like Noah – he didn’t write to you! HE DIDN’T BUILD YOU A FREAKING GORGEOUS HOUSE WITH HIS OWN HANDS! He deserves to know how wrong he is and that his new post-college girlfriend is a skanky-skank. He needs to know that you don’t approve of her.

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Phase 5 Men- Crush Cans

Because why not? If you’re alone no one will ever see how dumb you look when you can’t do it.

Phase 6 Women – ‘Glass 7′

The 7th glass separates the women from the girls. A drunk woman, might recognize the terrible mistakes she’s made in calling her ex-boyfriend from 6th grade and send a quick ‘sorry’ text, “Heyyy,,reali sorryr abouthatim jst fdrunk.” Wash her face (SMART) and go to bed. A drunk girl will most likely fall into an emotional pit that cannot be undone. Tears. Snot. Screaming. Crying. Calling people that actually are sleeping because they have a job. Pissing everyone off. After about 30 minutes of this, a drunk girl will ‘gather’ herself up off the floor, pour one last glass of wine, and pull out the computer.

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Phase 6 Men – Chug More Beers

The can crushing hurt a little. You know what’s good for headaches? If you lick my butthole  alcohol.

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Phase 7 Women – ‘The Last Glass’

The last glass is the final nail in the coffin for anyone that makes it this far. Once you pull out the laptop, you risk a number of things. Emotional Facebook status. Accidentally liking someones Instagram pic from 85 weeks ago. Subscribing to Groupon in 10 different cities that you’ll never actually visit. The most self-destructive thing that will happen is online shopping. When wine drinking, you adapt a new sense of self. You can’t be an emotional train-wreck with 40k worth of debt…. you‘re drinking wine. And so, you decide to hop online to BCBG, Dolce&Gabbana, and Sephora. You start buying everything…. you neeeeeeeeeed it!!! Once you’ve spent about $2,000 – you start to get a little gurgly in your tummy. Oh God. Oh God.

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Phase 7 Men – Talk to Self

Boobs. Beer. Butts. Kim Kardashian. Football. Football. Boobs. (An educated guess of what men are thinking).

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Phase 8 Women -’Game Over’

After vomming what looks like now to be a murder scene all over your bathroom. You decide that it’s FINALLY time to call it a night. After all, you can’t really think of anything else to do right now and no one is answering your phone calls or texts. Time for bed. So you pull yourself up on the bed, snuggle up like a tiny drunken princess next to your best friend (the dog), and wander off into dreams filled with 6-pack abs and snickerdoodles.

Phase 8 Men – Pass Out

End.

Bitches be crazy.

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Claire Voyant

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