Hi. Dating. What does it mean? We all know what carbon dating is, but regular dating? The word comes from Incan Latin. The prefix da- means “to take a chick out” and the suffix “-te” means “for drinks or whatever.” Dates back in Incan Medieval Times usually consisted of just rolling down a hill and praying to a sun god or two and then dying of smallpox, but in today’s fast-paced world, who has the time?
When it comes to dating, you gotta have a plan of attack. Think of it as war, but instead of killing people, you suck boobs and stuff. Would you go into a war just wandering around aimlessly with a map held out wide, wearing your backpack in the front like some kinda frightened European tourist? HELL NO! If all goes well, here is how I recommend your dates progress.
Note: These are suggestions for if the girl and you are hitting it off. If she hates you and is not returning your calls, do not force her to go on dates. That is kidnapping and date rape. Not like actual date rape, just forceful insistence of dating.
Phase 1: Drinks – Low pressure and low cost. Assuming that you don’t know each other, this is an opportunity to feel each other out, before you feel each other up. You don’t wanna go blow a hundred bucks right off the bat at some nice dinner, just to realize the second you get there that there’s no chemistry. I didn’t even like chemistry when I was in school, but by god, did I respect it.
Phase 2: Moderately Priced Dinner – Regardless of your financial situation, don’t blow your load too quickly by going to some four-star restaurant with white tablecloths, old French waiters, and men watching you relieve yourself in the bathroom. Once you establish that that is the level of restaurant she is to expect from you, you can’t go back. Pick a trendy spot; a restaurant with a one-word name like “Hutch” or “Jizz.” It’ll show her that you’re “in the know.” Picking a cool place is definitely more important than picking a fancy place. After all, this isn’t her birthday dinner! Unless it is, in which case, this girl might not have any friends or family if she’s going out on a second date for her birthday. Ditch this friendless weirdo.
Phase 3: Kooky Date – Dinner and drinks are standard, but now you gotta show her that you’ve got some tricks up your sleeve. Don’t actually do any tricks for her, girls HATE magic (both the act of magic AND Magic Johnson). Some suggestions include – picnic date in the park, sporting event, ice cream stroll, apple picking, concert, comedy show, etc.
Phase 4: Brunch Date – It’s a known fact that the only thing girls like more than hating their roommate is going to brunch. Brunch dates will be a nice change of pace too, because you don’t want to slip into a pattern where you only see each other at night. This makes it feel more like a real relationship, and it also ensures that she’s not a vampire. If she refuses the brunch date, she is confirmed as a vampire, and you should definitely jump ship.
Phase 5: Movie Date – I am NOT a fan of actually going to the movies as an early stage date. You just sit there in the dark and you don’t talk. You’ll have plenty of time to ignore and resent each other later on in the relationship. For now, you’re still looking to get to know one another. Invite her over to watch a movie at your place. Wine is a nice touch, unless she’s a recovering alcoholic, then it’s just like, dude, have some tact. Since it’s just the two of you, you can still chat and crack jokes during the movie, and maybe even CUDDLE! Picking the right movie is key; something light that doesn’t require a hundred percent of your attention is recommended. Lean more towards Crazy, Stupid, Love than Schindler’s List.
Phase 6: Non-Bar Drinks Date – Now you’re more comfortable with each other, and have officially gone from “dates” to “dating.” What’s the difference? Simple Incan grammar, but mainly, that it’s an act that will presumably continue in the future until one of you decides otherwise. At this point, just going to a bar to get drinks feels weird, but drinking in a fun location is cool and different. Wine on your (or a friend’s) rooftop, beers as you watch the sunset on the water, sizzurp as you crip walk around a park. A much more DIY drinks date makes it feel fresh and different. Not to mention, it’s CHEAPER!
Phase 7: Take Her Out of Her Comfort Zone Date – This is a twist on the kooky date. She feels more comfortable and trusting with you now, so let’s make her immediately regret that. Do something that she hasn’t necessarily done before, and maybe even scares her. She’ll ham up her fear as an excuse to act cuddly with you, which will lead you to feel more like a man. Everybody wins! Tough to give suggestions here because I’ll need a detailed list of all of your significant other’s greatest fears, but off the top of my head, I’d suggest: gun range, demolition derby, haunted house, trapeze school, go-karts, drive through a bad neighborhood, etc.
Phase 8: Reveal Your True Self Date – Well, you’ve done it. You’ve successfully presented yourself as an interesting, thoughtful, and entertaining person to date. There’s only so long you can keep up this charade. Time to let her know that the rest of your time together isn’t gonna be all rooftop wine drinking and apple picking. This is the date where you watch really shitty TV with her on the couch all day, periodically rising from the couch to answer the door to receive your food delivery. If she can’t appreciate you at your “haven’t showered, lying on the couch, watching TV all day,” then she doesn’t deserve you at your, “spruced up fancy dinner date.”
As the Incans say, Happy Dating!
[Hand holding via Shutterstock]