2012 was a great year. We got “Call Me Maybe” and Instagram IN THE SAME YEAR. It’s not every year that you get a song to crush beers to with your bros and an application that can show everyone how awesome you looked while crushing said beers. To everyone on Facebook my skin has been a tint of olive that’s reserved for Persian “God-Kings” named Xerxes that have 700 wives and never wear condoms. Thank you, Carly Rae. Thank you, Instagram. I may never stop being awesome.
Not everything in 2012 was Carly Rae Awesome. Some stuff just got played out. There were trends that made me soften up and then I’d put on “Call Me Maybe” and things would turn around. But for a few minutes these trends really brought me down:
Photobombing is when you ruin someone’s pictures by making a funny face in the background. It’s gotten so big that The Huffington Post had a “10 Best Wedding Photobombs,” meaning that more than 10 couples have wasted thousands of dollars so their friend can act like a two year old. If you got in a time machine and went to the year 1999 then explained to some random dude what photobombing was he would look you in the eye and say, “That’s called being a dick.” Then he’d punch you square in the right ball for even knowing what Photobombing is.
These are the Chris Brown superfans. Their main purpose in life is to loudly advise the world over Twitter and Facebook to, “Leave Chris Brown alone he only beat her once and now they’re back together and battered women never go back to the person that beat them if they don’t really think it’s true love.” So they should exist.
What if when you yelled “YOLO” you had to live again... as a pig. Would all of the newborn pigs start wearing tons of makeup, show their teets at inappropriate times, drink way too much, go to pool parties in Vegas, eat tons of brunch, puke up that brunch, take flavored vodka shots, and swallow? Somewhere a farmer who has sex with pigs just read this and ejaculated at the words “newborn pigs.”
The gayest thing I did at my fraternity was during a snow day, me and thirty other dudes played 7/11/Doubles in our underwear. I woke up on a couch with a penis drawn on my forehead. It was an awesome day.
If at some point during that game someone said, “Lets take turns shoving hoses up our asses to get more drunk!” My gay friend, Tom, would stand up and say, “I think I’m straight now.”
Bath Salts and Bath Salts Jokes
I know it’s hilarious that a guy might have been on Bath Salts before he ate someone’s face. HAHAHAHAH OMG HILARZZZZ. It was so funny that for about two months it was the only thing people talked about or referenced. Things came to a head for me during Thanksgiving when my Dad responded to someone asking if there was cranberries in the stuffing with “I’m not on Bath Salts!!” and then I heard the laugh track from Family Matters sound off in my house (I knew it was Family Matters because the audience sounded rambunctious i.e. Black) and he winked at a non-existent camera.
Vodka Soaked Tampons
Apparently soaking a tampon in vodka and wearing it (is that how chicks say it?) to school is all the rage for high school girls to get drunk. I tried thinking of how High School me would react to this news:
Future Me: Hey Jared, girls are putting vodka soaked tampons in their vaginas and all of the chicks are drunk all day.
High School Me: What’s a tampon?
Future Me: (Explains tampons and thus explains what a vodka soaked tampon is)
High School Me: (Pukes)
I just assume that every song out right now has Pitbull in it. I was fine with this until his song, “Back in Time” for the movie, Men In Black 3. You can read the lyrics here. Then you can find a gun to kill yourself here.
Milking is when you go out in public and film yourself pouring milk over your head. Like “Planking” from two years ago, this fad will be like a one hit wonder. You’ll be walking down the street one day and all of the sudden this memory of dancing in your underwear to “Mambo No. 5” creeps into your head. You’ll shiver at the thought of looking so dumb then think, “Thank goodness that wasn’t filmed.”
I guess that’s nothing like “Milking.” Thanks, YouTube.
Honorable Mention: Linsanity
Jared Freid is a New York City-based comedian. Follow him on Twitter @jtrain56 for videos, columns, and more thoughts on how high school him would react to feminine products. You can also subscribe to his Facebook page here.