Life
by Andy Green on August 6, 2012

Avoid Booths!

Nothing puts you at a severe disadvantage quite like being drunk in a restaurant booth. You have no ability to pivot or stand and present the proper guard. As you can see in this footage, multiple violent blows can be bestowed upon the face of booth-sat victim. To make matters worse, the attacker has called down the thunder of his girlfriend whose shrill, belligerent, incoherent babbling can disorient the man after the assault. Booths are pleather-bound death traps, always opt for a seat at the bar. You can easily swivel around and dispatch any thugs who may try and ruin your Grand Slam! If the bar is not for you, then be sure to grab a regular table, since you can easily utilize the chair as a weapon in the event of a throwdown.

Utilize Projectiles

As any movie battle mentor or sensei will tell you, be aware of your surroundings. Denny's, much like a gladiator's arena, is filled with deadly weapons. Identify which ones are right for you. Are you deadly accurate? Well, maybe a ramekin or side cup should be your Denny's weapon of choice. Is your asset brute strength? Plates or syrup containers will be better suited for you to land that deadly finishing blow. Another thing we can learn from this video is that Halloween costumes can work to your detriment, slowing you down, revealing your ass cheeks and prohibiting your plate-aim.

Aisles Are Best For Hand-to-Hand Denny's Combat

If you find yourself standing mano y mano with a trucker who just called your friend a bitch, it's best to draw the fight out into the aisles. As you can see, it corrals your opponent and gives you a territorial advantage. Use corners and kitchen entrances to avoid being cornered. This tip is best utilized after carefully studying the layout of your local Denny's. We recommend scouting out the restaurant on a thursday just to be ready.

Always Be Ready For Sneak Attacks

The quickness at which the atmosphere at a Denny's can turn deadly is staggering. This means you have to always be on your toes and aware of what's going on in your peripheral vision. The crazy woman in this video launched her attack with cat-like speed. This affected the reaction time of the dude she was pissed at. He recovered well and used the booths to his advantage. It's incredibly hard to rebound after a booth-slam.

Keep Your Drunk Girl Away From All Other Drunk Girls

In order to get laid by the wasted chick that was grinding up on you at wherever you chose to do your boozin, you might have to feed her. Denny's can help you in your mission, but there is added responsibility when bringing a hammered girl into Denny's. Make sure to scope out the location. Take note of the positions of all other inebriated females in the establishment. As you can see in this video, one hefty drunk woman can lay down plenty of destruction!

NEVER Ask For More Punches

The lesson we can learn from this video is crucial. This man has already broken several rules. He obviously didn't scout for drunk chicks, he sat in a booth and he's breaking a cardinal rule. He's actually asking a drunk woman to reign down more blows upon his mug. This is a big no no. When you ask a person who is royally f**ked up to hit you… they will oblige every single time. He's also wearing exposing too much chest and sporting an incredibly dumb necklace which can be turned against him.

Take The High Ground

If you have decided to take the first step into the world of smashing faces in at Denny's, you absolutely need to exploit your advantages right off the bat. Taking the high ground can make the all the difference on whether or not you drop the finishing Grand Slamwich upon your enemy's forehead. Climbing to the top of the table is your best course for gaining the high ground in a Denny's fight. Watch as these crazy drunk chicks take the table and with it… VICTORY!

Never Singlehandedly Take On a Group

Unless you happen to be of Chuck Norris-level ass kicking ability, it's best to not try to take on drunk groups of people by yourself. Fighting a mob is very different that one on one and you need to be properly trained by masters of combat before attempting to talk shit to 3 or more drunk folks at Denny's. This person made the mistake, got cornered AND learned this lesson the hard way. If you find yourself in this situation fairly regularly, it's recommended you get a taser and use it on yourself in front of the group to induce fear and hopefully make the herd scatter.

Heed the advice in this article when attending Denny's for some post-bar sustenance and you have a much greater chance of surviving the anarchy and emerging unscathed with a belly full of bacon!