Admittedly, I’m not a huge fan of winter. I’d say once Christmas passes, I’m pretty much over the whole below-freezing –constantly-snowing-dry-skin-inducing-artic-winds-shtick. That being said, winter does have its upsides. People, much like bears, go into hibernation mode (some guys will also call this “bulking” mode…but I’ve made it my life’s mission to avoid such men).
In the winter, you’re really not forced to see anyone. In fact, you could avoid human interaction entirely for roughly 3 months before anyone can judge you for it. “The weather is just too bad,” is forever one of the most useful excuses in being a recluse. Of course, winter ends, as seasons tend to do and then spring rolls along and lasts for about 2 weeks (global warming is real, guys) before, BAM, its summer! Now, if you stay indoors in the summer you’re just an asshole. The sun is shining—get the fuck off your couch, stop diddling around with Netflix like the cliché millennial you are, and go to the beach.
Once you’re at the beach, this is where this article will come in handy. See, I grew up in jersey where beach goers are more reminiscent of a circus act than actual people. That’s not meant to be as offensive as it sounds; it’s really more of a testament to the fact that there are just SO many different kinds of people in one setting and myself being of the heterosexual female variety, I tend to focus on the men. Plus, you can’t really focus on the women for too long at the jersey shore, the glare from their neon bathing suites starts to hurt after 30 seconds max.
With that being said, I’ve gained a lot of knowledge in the realm of the different types of guys you’ll see at the beach in the summer. I titled them douchey, because let’s face it, most of them are. If you fall into any of the following descriptions, I would obviously suggest that you stop immediately, or invest in a kiddie-pool and spare the rest of us the tortuous experience of having to be within a 5-mile radius of you.
The Artsy Beach Douche
I dig artsy guys. Always been a weakness of mine. If you have a skill that doesn’t involve an Xbox controller, I’m smitten. However, there’s always an air of pretentiousness to these guys. Why is that? You’re not better than me because you can paint sunsets….it just happens to be a lovely talent—that’s all! If you’re the kind of guy who brings art supplies with you to the beach, I’m going to automatically assume you’re looking for attention and or work at Urban Outfitters. This also includes: bringing an instrument and having some weird Kumbaya circle jerk, a professional camera that you use to take “tasteful shots” of women in bikinis and/or any sort of poetry anthology.
The Sporty Beach Douche
Can you throw a football on the beach? Yes you can. Can you play volleyball on the beach? Of course—but if you’re posing and flexing like you just won the fucking Heisman, people are laughing at you. Remember Stifler fishing for chicks on the beach in American Pie? That was funny—because it was a movie, and movies aren’t real life, so just don’t do that. If you throw a football into a group of girls, you’ll undoubtedly hit one in the nose, she’ll start bleeding, it’ll get ugly—fast. You can be sporty, but just don’t be a showboat. It makes a big difference.
The Really (Really) Tan Beach Douche
Perhaps I’m envious because I don’t tan, I sort of just turn various shades of red that alarm those around me, but there’s really nothing worse than a guy lathered up in tanning oil. I don’t need to expand on this image, do I?
The European Beach Douche
NOTHING wrong with being European—EVERYTHING wrong with European beachwear (i.e. a speedo—I don’t want to see your testicles, seriously, I don’t. Please stop. Abort mission.)
The Guido Beach Douche
If you have a blowout (unironically) I don’t really know if there’s any hope for you. Ditto if you have any kind of car logo tattooed to your body. I’m pretty much describing “DJ” Pauly D from The Jersey Shore. Also, why are you wearing Nikes to the beach? I don’t care how “fresh” they are. It just seems entirely counterproductive to wear sneakers to the beach.
The PDA Beach Douche
Ah, summer love, how sweet! I really don’t mind seeing couples at the beach…my issue is when you permanently have your hand on your girlfriend’s nearly bare ass. It’s totally fine when you’re masked by the water, but there’s children around man, no need to mark your territory. I’m not joking when I say I’ve seen couples so intertwined on the sand that they’ve left with tan lines from one another’s limbs.
The Drunk Beach Douche
Drinking during the day is great. Drinking during the day, when it’s nice out, on a beach is even better. My only issue is that you’ve gotta know what you’re doing. The sun will naturally dehydrate the shit out of you. Alcohol will further dehydrate the shit out of you. This leads to all sorts of problems. There’s nothing worse than the guy stumbling along the sand, double fisting Natty Lights like a baby deer. Don’t do that. Stay hydrated. Drink water. It’s an odd concept, I know, but it will save you the trouble of looking like a complete asshole and potentially drowning because you’re too wrecked to realize there’s a huge fucking body of water in front of you.
The Life Guard Beach Douche
Most life guards are townies. Granted, they are often attractive, but still…townies in beach communities are always going to be weird…not deformed or anything, but just generally socially inept. Not being mean, just calling it like it is. I admire life guards, when they actually do their jobs, but staring at women all day and not actually looking in the water is about as douchey as it gets. You’re supposed to be saving lives, or at least guarding them…your job title pretty much says it all (you have ONE job.) Also, I know this may be unavoidable but for the love of God can someone figure out a way to avoid those heinous sunglass tan lines? You all look like raccoons. It’s genuinely scary.
It’s possible that you’re reading this and thinking, “Fuck, I’m definitely a lot of these” and chances are you’re right. You may have a little bit of drunken beach douche sprinkled with a bit of sporty beach douche, but that’s fine! You can exhibit some of these behaviors and still fly under the radar. The point is to avoid being a FULL ON douche of any kind, however if you’re wearing a speedo, covered in tanning oil, throwing a football, painting a picture of the waves, smacking your girlfriends, all while sitting on a lifeguard chair with a blowout then you’re a lost cause, for now, and for always.