I'm not here to tell you that brunch is a thing. Given the need for girls to "be seen" and Bros to wake up late and be hungover, the concept of breakfast-lunch is a bigger staple in postgraduate society than secretly liking all songs by Flo Rida.
I am here to tell you though, how to best behave:
DO: Talk About Your Job
In a superficial manner, which embellishes the postive aspects, but ultimately hints that there is in fact some deep-seated frustration (i.e., life sucks now) that you’re gonna pretend not to address for the sake of appearing “to be on the right track.”
DON’T: Continue to Talk About Your Job
If the person is not in the same field/course of study, etc., refrain from launching into detail for more than two minutes. If you do have common ground, you could extend the conversation to about five minutes.
A good rule of thumb here is to take the reciprocity viewpoint. Technically, you should give them as much airtime as you have given yourself. Do you really want to hear about their sales job for the 12 minutes you just gobbled up? Don’t think so.
DO: Casually Mention How Broke You Are, or How Expensive Life Is
Just like white rappers in 2008, this shit is now very much “in.” Even if you’re totally financially independent and completely comfortable, don’t act above this. It’s unsightly, and will expedite you down the path of being that rich douchebag that can no longer relate to the people you grew up with. Keep in mind the tragedy that was Vinny Chase and Dom.
DON’T: Be Cheap
The reason why you’re “broke” of course, is that it’s remarkably expensive to have friends. Only ordering a muffin instead of that goat cheese tomato omelette will always be interpreted as downright insulting--insinuating that if your money is indeed a scarce resource, you’d rather allocate it somewhere cooler. AND, that you're actually poor.
DO: Make The Experience Better By Exercising Your Random Knowledge
Brunch is a great time as any to know that the song is currently playing is called “A Real Hero,” by College & Electric Youth, and that it “sounds soooo familiar” because it’s from the movie “Drive.”
In other words, all those random facts that you don’t know what to do with because they’re never actually useful can ALL be cashed in during brunch. Because if brunch is a chance for your peers to have a small glimpse into your life, the more random information you know = the more you have truly “lived.”
DON’T: Overdo Your General Self
Yes everyone’s a comedian, and everyone needs to tell the last story. As the great Reggie Noble recently stated in our super-secret BroBible writer chatroom, nobody wants to have the “penultimate tale.”
That said, remember this shit is just as much about everyone else as it is about you. Know your place, and #influence accordingly.
DON’T: Act Like a Butthurt Teenager
As we “grow up,” shit in friend groups will get increasingly incestual, and then slightly awkward when things inevitably don’t work out. Brunch, a union of people who are sort of going their separate ways but aren’t quite ready to cut off all communication just yet, has this odd tendency to unite exes and/or friends of friends who might have beef with you because things went south with you and their bestie. You could approach this stuff as awkward and hold grudges, or you could just realize that people are people, stuff occurs, and that L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N.
DO: Act Slightly Younger Than Your Age
Meaning that you should drink more alcohol than what is generally considered socially acceptable. Far and away the most important rule.