Have you guys ever seen the mildly funny movie The Invention of Lying with Ricky Gervais? What’s that, “no because it looked like a piece of shit”, you say? Well I saw it, and in the movie, Ricky Gervais “invents” lying by telling a bank teller he had more money in his bank account than he actually had and thus, her computer must be making an error (that’s right, in the movie computers were invented but lying wasn’t). Because the teller had no idea that lying was even a thing, she went ahead and gave him the amount of money he said he had in there. Ergo, the concept of lying was born.
The reason I bring this up is because I’m almost 100 percent positive lying wasn’t invented this way. It’s much more likely lying was invented by some slightly overweight caveman who told his wife all he ate on his lunch break at the wheel factory was a handful of berries, when in reality he devoured an entire triceratops and the 2000 B.C. version of cheese fries. Now, instead of getting nagged about his cholesterol when he gets back to the cave, he gets an approval BJ and his wife is none the wiser.
Not all guys are full-blown liars. Being a liar is actually one of the worst things you can be. But all guys lie. We lie. Our fathers lie. I’m sure Abe Lincoln lied to Mary Todd all the time. Sometimes it’s in our best interest to lie to make someone else happy, or sometimes we lie about the dumbest shit just to look cool to our friends. Whatever the case may be, there are certain things guys lie about the most, and here are a handful of them.
How Much They Can Bench
Guys lie about how much they can bench because being able to lift a lot of weight over your chest makes you a superior human being to someone who lifts less weight over their chest. Me personally? I don’t lie about this one, because it’s potentially one of the more embarrassing and dangerous things to actually get called out on. If I tell my boys I can bench 225 and then we actually go to the gym one day, in the words of Dave Chappelle from Con Air, “we be fucked”.
How Much Money They Make
This one is for you corporate Bros out there, who have undoubtedly had this conversation among your other gainfully-employed friends over a happy hour or two. The key here is that if you make a lot of money, say you make a little less to avoid feeling guilty and end up buying everyone’s drinks. And if you make dick at your job, say you make a little more so you can save a little of your dignity. Which end of the spectrum am I on? Welp, for a solid three years, my friends have been under the impression I make $5K-10K more than I actually do.
What They Eat
This is girlfriend/wife specific and was touched on in the intro. When you get home from work and your girl asks you what you had for lunch, you have to be ready with an answer which is healthy and believable. There’s no way she’ll believe I only had a salad for lunch, so I just take whatever it is I actually ate and water it down a little bit so I don’t get lectured on the dangers of gluten. For example, my bacon cheeseburger deluxe becomes a turkey burger with a side of Veggie Straws. My three slices of pepperoni pizza become one slice and a small side salad. And, yes, this paragraph automatically disqualifies this article from being shared on any of my social media accounts.
High School Athletic Achievements
Assuming whoever you’re talking to isn’t from your hometown and can call you out on your lie, this is a classic guy lie. Shit, every guy I know was All-State in one sport or another despite being absolutely putrid athletes now, but that’s obviously because all of them had some “career-altering injury” shortly after high school which derailed their chances of playing in college. And high school sports are a lot easier to lie about than college sports because college sports will probably be on Google while high school sports wouldn’t, making the home run you hit off Clayton Kershaw (i.e. you knew a guy who played in the same conference as someone who kinda looked like Clayton Kershaw) your senior year totally legit.
Sticking with the sports theme here, is there a guy on planet Earth that doesn’t lie about how good he is at golf? In fact, let me get my Demetri Martin on for a second and give you a chart of How Good A Guy Is At Golf Versus How Good He Says He Is At Golf:
How Good A Guy Is At Golf Versus How Good He Says He Is At Golf
What He Says He Shoots What He Actually Shoots
Low 80′s ………………….. High 80′s, shot 83 once
Mid 80′s …………….. Consistently 88-94
High 80′s ……………. Mid-High 90′s
Low 90′s ……………. High 90′s, semi-consistently breaks 100
Mid-High 90′s …………. Breaks 100 about 33.3% of the time
In the 100′s ………….. The only friend you can trust
How Many Drinks They’ve Had
This is another one that has a different answer depending on who is speaking. If you went out last night and your girl asks you the next day how much you drank, it’s always “Not that much, probably like three beers.” If you’re recapping the night with your boys the next morning, it’s always “DUDE I was SHITHAMMERED last night, must have had like TWELVE shots of Patron and like NINE beers.” In reality you probably had close to six beers and two shots, but that doesn’t sound nearly as good in either scenario.
Just like Floyd Mayweather, guys never lose a bet, ever. I have no idea how these new casinos keep sprouting up everywhere when every guy I know wins several hundred dollars every time they step foot in one. Not only that, every guy I know wins one of their fantasy football leagues every year, which is weird because generally only one person wins it and the other 11 people don’t, so fantasy football must be so popular now that there is such a vast number of leagues out there that everyone can win at least one every year.
How Many Chicks They’ve Had Sex With
I’ll end it with probably the most obvious inclusion on this list. I mean me personally, I’ve only had sex with about 487 women, I’m not positive, I lost count. But seriously, not only do guys lie about how many chicks they’ve banged, but is it me, or does every dude in the world get laid on every single vacation they go on? Seriously, where are they going where you step off a plane and boom a half hour later you’re fucking “some gorgeous Hawaiian chick”. The only person I’ve had sex with on a non-girlfriend vacation is myself.
Oh well, I can’t wait to shoot an 87 (95) this weekend and make $1,000 (-$250) betting the World Cup. Should be pretty sick.