Life
by Aristotle Georgeson on November 2, 2012

7. Hurricanes
I have been in 5 hurricanes (one category 4) and it’s important to know they are extremely scary. BUT, we have the ability to predict when and where a hurricane is going to hit, so unless you are completely inept, there is plenty of time to prepare as best as you can for the 100+ MPH and possible flooding. I understand that sometimes you can’t prepare for everything (ie. Katrina), but you have a very fair chance at withstanding a hurricane. The bonus of this natural disaster is that once it’s over and no one has power, there is plenty of time to DRINK! There’s nothing like a hurricane party to lighten the mood after losing all your patio furniture; plus after everyone is wasted you can be the coolest one at the party by announcing to everyone that it just became a SLURicane party!

6. Tsunamis
After the devastation that we saw Japan go through last year, I think we can all agree that Tsunami’s are no friend of humanity. The reason why it’s number 6 on this list is because of a tsunami’s predictability and the fact that it’s not the 200 ft. monster wave that everyone always pictures when they hear the word tsunami. I’m by no means saying I wouldn’t shit my pants if I knew a tsunami was heading my way, but I would be shitting them way harder if I knew a giant, unstoppable 200 ft. wave of doom was headed my way.

5. Volcanic Eruptions
Death by lava? Thanks, but no thanks! All I can think about when I picture dying in a volcanic eruption is the lava slowly crawling over the scared, fetal position that my body would be in. Then in 1000 years when they dig up the ruins they would find my charred body and realize that I shit my pants 4 times before I died. Absolutely HUMILIATING! Though somewhat predictable, the sheer power and disturbingly hot contents of a volcano make it #5 on my list. 

4. Tornadoes
Tornadoes are probably the coolest natural disaster if you like to watch cows getting hurled through the air and then slammed into the side of a doublewide. Seriously though, there’s not a whole lot in the world scarier than a tornado. Imagine 200+ MPH winds ripping through your living room and throwing you across the county in the blink of an eye. Can’t imagine it? Didn’t think so. The body cannot comprehend the force of a tornado and the fact that we can’t definitively say where it’s going to touch down makes it even scarier. I’m just really glad that I don’t live somewhere that tornadoes regularly spawn because, it would be awful to end up like the Dad in the opening scene of Twister.

3. An Epidemic
Based solely on the movies I’ve seen about epidemics, sick people + no cure = widespread panic and a massive death toll (possibly zombies depending on the sickness). Plain and simply it would suck (way more if zombies were a result). What’s terrible about an epidemic, more so than any other natural disaster is that you may not even die from the virus, other humans battling for the antidote could be the end of you (or zombies if it’s that kind of virus). Plus the desperation, I couldn’t even imagine having a sickness and knowing that it would ultimately kill me or turn me in to a zombie thing. Even if you weren’t sick, it would be a constant state of paranoia that at any moment you could, “Get down with the sickness” (Really excited about including that Disturbed reference). That alone would be enough to drive a sane person totally mad. Let’s just make sure that this doesn’t happen by taking plenty of vitamin C and wearing condoms.

2. Earthquakes
There’s something about the earth shaking unpredictably and splitting open that doesn’t sit well with me.  The fact that it can happen with no warning at all is what makes an earthquake so scary. Imagine being out one day, maybe you’re walking the dog and all of sudden; everything around you starts shaking, you see a building collapse in the distance and boom, you fall in a crevice never to be seen again. That is so terrifying! Almost as terrifying as actually watching a building fall on you because some magnitude 8 earthquake decided that Friday at 4 PM the exact tune you chose to walk your dog was a good time to strike without warning. With its unpredictability and its destructive power, the earthquake is the 2nd scariest natural disaster on my list.

1. Deep Impact
This is what killed the dinosaurs’ folks, it was the first Armageddon the world had ever experienced and maybe we won’t see it in our lifetime, but it will probably be the cause of the next one too. While it’s unlikely that we wouldn’t notice a giant asteroid heading to the earth at ungodly speeds, it is also unlikely that we’d actually be able to stop it. Sure we could shoot big ass missiles at it, but until we’re in the situation, who knows if it would halt the impending doom that a huge asteroid would surely bring. The anticipation of knowing that something was about to destroy the world and not being able to do anything about it would be the most helpless feeling ever. There might be a mass hysteria (which would suck) or a giant orgy (which would be kind of cool), but regardless of how we handle the idea of certain death, the impact of a giant asteroid would end it for all of us. The thought of our existence being wiped out is what makes ‘Deep Impact’ the scariest natural disaster in the world… or should I say, The GALAXY.

Aristotle is a Florida based comedian who thinks that of all the great people in history ‘Anonymous’ had the best quotes. You can follow him on Twitter @sToTle.

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