Ah, post-Winter Break Facebook stalking, nothing beats it (besides post-Spring Break Facebook stalking). Each year I look forward to the perusal of freshly uploaded bikini selfies with childlike excitement. I kicked-off the season of voyeurism like any other. Until tragedy struck.
“OMG Destiny’s Child @ the Super Bowl!!” “NEW JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE SINGLE #JTISBACK” “Can’t wait for Boy Meets World spin-off<3 <3”.
My prized Aruba ass shots were nowhere to be found. Not even one retro-filtered pair of tits! Just an endless barrage of reunion-inspired status updates. While I get that the return of shitty pop acts is exciting to some, I was nonplussed. Sure, their songs fostered a couple erection-inducing grind sessions at Bar-Mitzvahs, but that’s about it. There are reunions that are far more likely to bring a smile to my face. Here is my list of 7 REUNIONS THAT NEED TO HAPPEN.
Seeing Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer back in action on that Curb finale was great, but it was no substitute for the magic of the original series. The “Modern Seinfeld” Twitter only cemented the ever-lasting popularity of “The Show About Nothing”. Imagine the countless avenues unexplored by Jerry and the gang. Elaine tries online dating! Kramer takes up MMA! 9/11! Seinfeld’s return to TV welcomed better than the Messiah.
2. Phil Jackson and the NBA
Mike Brown is fired before the first commercial break. Stan Van Gundy gets sonned by his own player. Phil would not stand for that kind of nonsense. He’ll whisper some Zen musings in your ear about soaring eagles and triangle offense; next thing you know you’re up 4-0 in the playoffs. I would love to see the Hardwood Warrior come to Brooklyn. Maybe he’d talk Michael Jordan out of his bad-dressing, weirdo retirement phase.
3. Rage Against the Machine
One of the few “nü-metal/rap-rock/X-Games and dreadlocks” bands that had actual credibility. Unfortunately, now the only time I hear Zack de la Rocha’s battle cries is through earphones during my back/bi’s workout. Between gun control and the economy, I’m sure RATM would have plenty of fodder for new material. Nobody wants a box-set, they want the real thing. Viva la Revolucíon!
4. Will Ferrell and SNL
There’s a funny Digital Short every now and then. Stefon makes me giggle. But neither I, nor anyone else will tell you that SNL has lived up to the Ferrell era. From absurd sketches to dead-on impressions, Ferrell dominated Saturday Night Live and made an indelible mark on popular culture. Now relegated to churning out B- films every year, his star seems to be fading. I think the world needs more cowbell.
Big Boi and André 3000 never fit into rap’s archetypes. They were too intellectual to be considered gangsta, too accessible to be labeled conscious. OutKast put out album after album of funky introspection that forced the listener to question his values as soon as nod his head. Then 3 Stacks became a Hollywood sex symbol, leaving Big Boi to dwindle into obscurity. With the sad state of affairs in hip-hop, there would be no better a time for that Southernplayalisticadillacmuzik.
6. America and Kicking Ass
Will McAvoy had it right. “We lead the world in only three categories: number of incarcerated citizens per capita, number of adults who believe angels are real, and defense spending, where we spend more than the next twenty-six countries combined, twenty-five of whom are allies.” We use to be manufactures, innovators, and inventors. Now we live in our parent’s basement hoping to land some sweet I-Banking job. That’s not the American ideal. Let’s bring that back.
7. My Parents
Come on Mom, he’s not such a bad guy. And Dad, you’ve been in a spiraling depression ever since. I need stability in my life. Just try and bang one more time, for history’s sake. Besides, it’s really annoying to have to go to two Thanksgivings.
That wraps it up for me. Have any other reunions on your mind? Share ‘em in the comments section. Best one gets a response from yours truly.
Krum is an NYC based comedian, you can follow him on Twitter @KRUMLIFEDOTCOM