Life
by A. Canty on June 27, 2014

Tinder-homepage

It’s 2014 and internet dating has become the main way to start racking up hot dates. The problem is the internet provides hundreds of ways to mislead, or flat out scam, someone into a date. These horrible crimes against the dating community must stop. Let’s break down the top epic pitfalls of inter net dating and how to get past them.

1. The Internet Baller

Every time you log onto any internet social networking site there are thousands of people with photos of expensive cars and stacks of money. Pages are crammed with images of huge homes and expensive designer clothing. The problem is when you meet the person it’s true they do drive a Cadillac Escalade the problem is it’s a lease and they also live in their mother’s basement. The internet baller has a $65,000.00 SUV and also sleeps on a twin bed near the water heater. The internet baller wears nothing but designer clothing and can’t make a withdrawal from an ATM because they usually have a $20.00 minimum withdrawal so that cool $17.00 they need to withdrawal will have to wait until the bank is open. The life they show you looks like a Rick Ross music video shoot when in reality their life is more like a lost episode of Good Times.

2.  The Church Girl

I love when I open a girl’s page and the first thing it says is, “First of all, God is first in my life. All things through Christ Jesus,” which is quickly followed by her montage of photos naked in the bathroom mirror holding her hands over her nipples. There will be many random Bible quotes throughout her page as well as Bible verse tramp stamp. That’s what Jesus had in mind all of his words of wisdom stamped right above a stripper’s butt cheeks. There is nothing like reading a girl’s page with such a mix of Bible verses and homemade soft-core porn selfies that you think Hustler magazine started an online church. The good news is the church girl is just bluffing. She has no idea about church or religion you could tell her Jesus real last name is McLovin and she would happily believe you.

3. The Suburb Gangsta

This guy knows the streets and he is not afraid to represent. From his parents living room he dawns his wife beater with nothing resembling a chest underneath. You will be blinded as you try to look into that designer, top-shelf imitation, white gold rapper chain. You can instantly tell this guy leads a thug life as he poses in his bedroom with his homies until you notice the Dragon Ball Z anime poster on the wall in the background. He will introduce himself as J-Money, the problem is his birth certificate says his name is Jeremy Goldstein. This guy’s street cred is through the roof, because we all know how hard the streets of most upper middle class suburban neighborhoods can get. The everyday problems he faces would leave most men petrified. Problems like…

  • The girls scouts skipped his house while selling cookies
  • Leaving his iPod at home and having to listen to the radio while he drives
  • The line at Starbucks
  • Realizing the dry cleaner screwed up his suede NBA throwback warm up suite that he wears in the summer …..for some reason.
  • Getting to Panera Bread only to find out they are out of fresh banana bread.

4.  The Body Magician

The body magician is a magical girl who takes photos at angles Michael Bay would be amazed with. She can make her 230lb frame appear to be well below 150lb. The classic shot of her face and only the top of her titts can trick the smartest man into thinking she might be cute. She is smart and never takes full body shots, mostly because a full body shot of her could only be properly displayed on an I-Max screen. The magician can create photos that give you the impression she in the shape of a NFL cheerleader but the truth is most coaches would happily give her a shot at starting linebacker.

5. The Elder

This ancient hottie has pics plastered everywhere showing her from every angle. The problem is the most recent pic is so old that the American Flag in the background only has 47 stars. This refugee from a retirement home will give you more than you’re bargaining for as she shows you sexy revealing photos of her. The problem is the photos were all taken before she had any of her 6 kids which required so many c-sections that her stomach now looks like abandoned railroad tracks. When you meet don’t be overwhelmed by her amazing collection of life time achievements such as

  • A photo with Ben Franklin
  • An autographed copy of the Bible from Jesus that reads, “From Big J to you. Stay sexy”
  • A hand written break up note from the great philosopher Socrates which reads, “I want my toga back, you cheating bitch”

6.   The Super Douche

It’s a bird, it’s a plane… no it’s an asshole wearing sunglasses at night with a terrible spray tan. This giant jackass walked into the tanning place and looked the desk attendant right in the eye and said, “Burn me the fuck up until I have that healthy road cone orange glow” and then they gave it to him. Now this walking safety vest has his eyes set on you and you won’t be able to tell because he won’t take off those gotdamn sunglasses. Don’t let his sex panther cologne frighten you as he pulls up in his expensive car that helps to take the attention away from the fact that he’s 4’11 and older than your Dad. Ladies, I can promise you if you return this awesome guy’s messages he will visit your page every day and leave you notes so creepy they will make the Zodiac Killer jealous.

7. The Rapper

This awesome guy has his own tracks playing when you open his page. He credits himself as being a writer, a rapper, a performer and a producer. Too bad the only things he produces are empty beer cans and terrible life choices and the last thing he rapped was a pair of shoes when his shift at Foot Locker ended. When you meet someone whose job doesn’t send them a W-2 form you should just leave.

There they are, my brothers, the main pitfalls of internet dating. Take this knowledge and remember knowing if half the battle.

A. Canty

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