Guys across America used this weekend to try and bang out their old high school crushes and avoid any awkward small talk about college with family members. Of course drinking was the top priority for Thanksgiving weekend which occurred from last Wednesday night to early Sunday morning. Although you might not remember exactly what bars you went to or what drunken debacles you and your home friends got into, again -- just know that the assholes were out in full force and hopefully you weren’t one of them:
The Bar Leech
Bar leech’s have been around for decades and are now more commonly seen in bars that are both overcrowded and overrated. Everyone has that bar “that sucks” but for some reason you always up going there by the end of the night. Well, Thanksgiving weekend was the perfect opportunity for these types of assholes to do what they do best. They go up to the bar, order a drink, hit on the hot bartenders, get denied and feel the need to turn around (still leaning on the bar) and look at the crowd. These guys are lazy and will most likely wave you over to take shots that they don’t expect to pay for. If you don’t know a bar leech, just know that their goal is to stand in the way when people try and order their drinks; making it very convenient for them to order theirs. This move is easy and somewhat genius but you will learn to hate them very fast.
The Tip Stealer
The Grade A assholes are the ones who steal tips off the bar. When someone steals a bartenders tip it can only mean two things: one, he was unhappy with the service from the bartender but doesn’t want to get ignored the next time he orders a beer so his best idea was to steal someone else’s tip and pretend that they’re the ones providing the generosity for the service he was given, and two, he is a broke dirt bag who will put the money in his pocket and will blame his poorness on student loans and other depressing shit. If you ever see this happen, call them out for taking someone else’s tip and threaten him until he decides to buy you a drink with the money he stole -- this is not an asshole move on your part.
The Butt Pincher
This is the kid who was always good at high school sports but turns into a creep when he drinks. Butt pinchers need something to jerk off to when they get home from the bar, so walking behind girls and pinching their asses seems to be the direct route to satisfying themselves. Watching these shameless assholes get caught is the funniest thing to see and hopefully you also saw this happen at the bar. There are times when girls get turned on by this creepy gesture and the guy successfully gets with the girl whose butt he pinches. There is also a good chance that girl has multiple STD’s so in no way should you get jealous of this asshole.
Unfortunately these assholes are seen all year long whether you’re home or at a college bar, they are most common asshole you will see when you’re out. The fun fact about fighters is that they have tiny dicks and feel the need to take their anger out on Bros who are mackin’ it with girls and are having a good time. Fighters will also jump to the opportunity to raise a fist if: a drink is spilled on them, they get kicked out of the bar by a bouncer or if he found out that someone started a rumor about his tiny penis pack in high school. Wait, it’s not a rumor if it’s most likely true.
The Annoying Ex Boyfriend
Ever start talking to a girl at the bar when a guy comes up to you, interrupts your conversation and ultimately attempts to cock-block the shit out of you? Well, those guys are the annoying ex boyfriends who will retry to spark the flame that died out with him and his ex girlfriend a while back. These assholes can never get over the fact that they got dumped and will try anything to get back with ‘the one he used to love’ for the night. Now is a good chance to remind him that the girl you’re talking to (his ex) wants nothing to do with him but know you’re not done dealing with his asshole antics because every annoying ex boyfriend will almost always turn into any of the types of assholes already mentioned above.
The Line Complainer
They know it sucks, you know it sucks but for some reason there’s always that one guy who’s making the situation worse for everyone. Whether he’s waiting in line to get into the bar or he’s in line for the bathroom, he will never stop bitching about it and will constantly question why he is at the bar in the first place. He will act like he’s extremely cold when he’s waiting to get into the bar and will hold his dick and jump up and down when he’s waiting in line for the bathroom.
Try to avoid this asshole all you can. If you can’t tell if he’s a line complainer or not, look for these obvious conversation starter questions he will ask you:
• “How long have you been waiting on this line for?”
• “Is there a cover charge tonight?”
• “You think this ID will work?”
• “How many urinals do they have in there?”
• “You think more girls are coming here tonight?”
The Better Dancer
Girls love this guy because they think his skills on the dance floor are somewhat similar to his skills in the bedroom. Since they assume this, girls will always flock to the better dancer in hopes to make other girls jealous. The better dancer is hated because he’s really an asshole who knows he’s got one skill and one skill only, dancing. You know he is secretly gay if he is also signing while dancing to any Justin Bieber or Lady Gaga song. If you can point this out, there’s a good chance the girls will too.