Last Friday, news of Lil Wayne’s Sizzurp overdose nearly broke the Internet. Amongst the rumors and misspelled condolence tweets were the obligatory “Explaining Sizzurp to White People” articles from various news outlets. While these exposés were all but unnecessary to most of us, it never hurts to remind the public that taking Purple drank is really, really dumb. Not only does it kill you 60% of the time, every time, but it turns your favorite rapper into a Jeggings-sporting fucktard who hasn’t made a good album since Dubya was in office.
Unfortunately, slurping codeine is just the tip of the shitberg. People all over the world are finding new and exciting ways to ruin their lives. I proudly present the 7 Dumbest Ways To Get High.
7. Bath Salts
Active Ingredients: Synthetic Cathinodes, an amphetamine-like stimulant.
Effects: face eating, Late-night talk show hosts joking about face eating, absurd Navy propaganda videos.
Why it’s dumb: Bath salts are so 2012! Why don’t you touch some kids at Penn State and campaign for Romney while we’re at it? Get with the times, Zombie-Grandpa.
Active Ingredients: Homemade Desomorphine, heroin’s weird uncle.
Effects: Nothing too bad, EXCEPT IT CAUSES YOUR SKIN TO TURN SCALY LIKE A CROCODILE. THEN IT FALLS OFF.
Why it’s dumb: Will McAvoy had it right, we’re not number one anymore. This Russian-born opiate numbs you to the point that you don’t mind the flesh eating. It’s ravaging Eastern Europe. If you’re looking for a good reason to throw up, check this documentary.
Active Ingredients: Fermented human shit (at least it’s organic…)
Effects: “With glue, I just hear voices in my head. But with Jenkem, I see visions. I see my mother who is dead.” –Zambian Jenkem user, UNICEF Report, 1998/ my High School yearbook quote.
Why it’s dumb: A favorite amongst African street children. What did you expect? Dom Perignon? Not sure if Jenkem is real or not, but I do know that sniffing up your own doodie fumes is just plain silly.
Active Ingredients: Sick beats (whale noises; Enya)
Effects: Whatever you’re convincing yourself you’re feeling
Why it’s dumb: Listening to binaural beats cannot get you high. “Against All Odds” made me cry once, but I told you that in confidence!
Active Ingredients: Vodka and your butt
Effects: Super drunk, shame, questions about sexual orientation
Why it’s dumb: First it was a big deal in porn, now you can’t go to a simple dinner party without some kind of assplay. I’ve done my fair share of keg stands and shot gunning, but they’ve all been through my mouth. You know how I know you’re gay?
2. Toad Licking
Active Ingredients: Psychoactive toxins of Colorado River Toad.
Effects: I don’t know. Probably euphoria and salmonella. Warts.
Why it’s dumb: I’ve licked a lot of things to get high that I said I wouldn’t and a toad ain’t one of them, hombre. This one is probably just an urban legend, but it’s dumb enough to make the list. There are easier ways to forget your problems. Most of them are in your Mom’s nightstand.
Active Ingredients: fake weed
Effects: A 5-minute visit to the Ninth layer of hell while your friends film you with their iPhones.
Why it’s dumb: I know what you’re thinking. Compared to the skin-melting Russian heroin, Salvia is as harmful as Ryan Seacrest. Wrong! The aforementioned drugs are at least pleasurable to the user. When has anyone had a good Salvia trip? There is nothing cool about the feeling of five thousand spiders burrowing into your skin while you a hologram of your Dad mocks you for missing that foul shot in the Division Championship.
Have any other weird ways to get wasted? I hope you don’t. Leave your thoughts and pro-Salvia rants in the Comments section!!
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