[inline:chair]A tear drop, a crucifix, a tribute to a fallen friend; to most, these would all be considered acceptable things to tattoo your body. They symbolize something about you. They inform the world of what you are about. Come to think of it, plenty of inmates across the country probably rock all three of those tats in unison. Here's how: First, they did a hatchet job on their buddy after losing to him in an intense game of Dice (enter tear drop), then while incarcerated they find Jesus -- he goes by inmate #48796-054 and he has taught their a**hole a valuable lesson (hello crucifix); and finally since they're now a Tim Tebow-loving Christian, they regret killing their friend and want to pay him homage with a bible verse (John 15:12 or even Ecclesiastes 4:9 would be fitting). [inline:waf]Sadly, unlike the felon in our example, not everyone makes quality decisions when it comes to defacing their skin. But if tats are permanent (for the most part), then why do so many ignorant f*cks forget to think before they ink? Like the insufferable badass that I run into at the gym each day, is he naive enough to think that tribal sun on his underdeveloped shoulder impresses anyone? Or for every girl who on their 18th birthday thought a tramp stamp would really set them apart. Um, well, I guess it does. So thanks for that, ladies. I will never completely knock tattoos. I actually have one and I think a lot of them can look sick but there are those that leave people looking like complete and utter fools. And, anyone who knows me knows that I find absolute pleasure in the misfortunes of others, so let's look at some highly regrettable tattoo decisions.
[inline:child] A Child's Face We get it, you're a proud father. But your daughter is uglier than shit, probably going to wind up becoming a hoe, and by the looks of it she has a minor retardation or at the very least a learning disability. [inline:cartoon] Cartoons I get that you like Mighty Mouse and now, thanks to your "no sleeves" policy, I also get that you are a f*cking tool. It was kind of you to remove all doubt. (Note the sick hoop earring in the picture. I bet there would be a parade if this guy died.) [inline:name] Lover's Name/Initials When I am really into a broad, I show her so by letting her keep a toothbrush at my place or every once in a while I won't blow my load in her ear canal. But one thing I will never do for her is dedicate a piece of my gorgeous flesh in her honor. That is prime real estate and no two-bit floozie deserves that kind of praise. Getting a lover's name tattooed on you is a horrendous idea because when the love fades, and it will, she is going to revel in the fact that you have her name emblazoned on your person. Before you get her name inked on your body, keep in mind that only the tattoo and herpes last forever. [inline:buff] Barbwire I love seeing people who got these in the height of their popularity only for them to be faded and flabby 10 years later (atrophy is such a hoot). It's not even a contest: the ugly "Mom" tattoos of the 80s notwithstanding, these were the most overdone tattoos in the history of mankind. The only real question left is: whatever happened to good ole Buff Bagwell? [inline:shaq] Superheroes O.K., Shaq, you can have one. But no one else should ever be allowed to get this tattoo, not even an actor who portrayed the superhero in a movie or T.V series. Just imagine the backlash if we allowed Christopher Reeves get one. The guy couldn't even ride a f*ckin' horse so it's pretty questionable about just how "super" he really was. [inline:chinese] Chinese Symbols What you think might be the symbol for "strength" actually winds up being the symbol for "cocksucker." It's funny how things shake out like that. [inline:scorp] Zodiac Signs If you believe for one second that the position of the moon had any bearing on how you turned out as an individual, stop reading here and go funnel bleach. You are a deadbeat loser because your mother smoked crack during pregnancy, not because you were born a f*cking Scorpio. It would have been more poetic if you were born a Cancer, because that's what you are. [inline:knucke] Knuckle Tats I saw a guy on the subway this weekend with these blatantly awesome knuck tats. He was homeless and begging for money. And that, my friends, brought a smile to my gorgeous face. [inline:tribal] Tribal Are you in a tribe or a warrior of any kind? No? I didn't think so, Chief Bagadouche. Now take a lap and then kindly scalp yourself. Thanks. [inline:tear] Teardrop (In Australia) In the United States, a teardrop symbolizes that you have no qualms when it comes to killing a mother f*cker, but in Australia, this tattoo carries a whole different meaning. Having a teardrop tattooed on your face down under denotes that you've served time for mol*sting a child and getting the teardrop -- while in the joint -- is apparently non-negotiable. Let's just say you can kiss goodbye any shot you had at getting a job at a daycare.