Growing up, I spent a lot of time waiting for rides. Rides to soccer practice, birthday parties, other “playdates”--the ages 6-14 are really a remarkable time for this sort of thing--filled with sitting anxiously on middle school ledges, not necessarily knowing how long it will take for the
chariot station wagon to arrive. Biding time alone in true Glansberg style, avoiding eye-contact at all costs with the “goths who smoked out back,” out of deep-seated fear of turning into a Vamp kid.
The way may house was positioned though, you couldn’t really see these rides approaching--you instead had to depend on the rustling of trees, the collective inhale of the surrounding atmosphere, and whatever other 10th grade english poetic device you feel like using in order to determine whether or not a car was actually coming. Often, this resulted in many a “car who cried wolf”--me, misguidedly thinking that a car was a-coming, when in reality the noise was simply a weaksauce gust of wind.
The important caveat here is that despite all the false alarms, the sound of an actual car approaching was always unmistakable. When a car was coming--despite all the second-guess foreplay that came with the preceding wind gusts--you KNEW a car was coming.
The same concept can readily be applied to hipsters--meaning, you may think you encounter hipsters on the reg, but it’s not until that moment when that vegan picketer is right in front of you--basket-weaved beanie and all--that you know you’ve got true
greatness in your presence. Really one of the more remarkable moments one can experience this day and age, so when it happens, make sure to savor the moment. Like an incompentent sexual partner, you may not get to experience that geniune, undiluted bliss ever again.
All of that bullshit above you was written to preface the fact that a couple of days ago, I was forced to endure the presence of one of these remarkable specimens for over an hour. As I told J Camm, I sincerely regret not having a tape recorder on hand. This is my best attempt to recreate the general conversation:
“You know, I actually liked the Avengers. Sometimes you just gotta indulge in the McChicken”
What This Means: Arguably the manual’s most classic hipster move is them trying to throw you off of them actually being a hipster.
- Because the Avengers made a lot of money and was liked, it would generally be assumed that a hipster is contractually obligated to dislike the Avengers
- Except, fuck contracts and obligations
- The McChicken of note refers to the Avengers being of the lowest common denominator. According to hipster math, A lot of people liking something = lowest common denominator.
- Just as many a drunk person has a weakness for the McChicken, the cyclone of wisdom known as the hipster is sometimes so overwhelmed by his genius thoughts, he needs to take a break and watch something that’s mind-bogglingly pedestrian.
“Yea no, I really dug that video. Like a combination of Hunter S. Thompson and Faulkner”
What This Means: Not unlike the Family Guy writers, hipsters cannot function without constantly referring to their built-in wordbank. This wordbank consists of nouns (Vegan, Bon Iver), verbs (crumping), and adjectives (post-nouveau chic).
- The wordbank also has an endless supply of literary figures, burnout artists, and stop-motion filmmakers
- Bret Easton Ellis, Ben Dickinson, and Old Found Glory
- Much better than New Found Glory
“Oh, you know. I mean right now I’m really into Kendrick, A$AP, French...”
What This Means: Just like my Mom and judges on “American Idol,” hipsters are on a first name basis with people who have just emerged from the underground rap scene
- The bigger financial disparity between the upbringings of the rapper and hipster in question, the better
- This way, the hipster will be able to better relate to the rapper
“It’s just...I hate it when movies are made so they can win awards. Or make a lot of money. Can’t figure out which one is worse.”
What This Means: It's really dispicable when people make movies for the two primary reasons people make movies.
“Pre 'Where the Day Takes You' Will Smith is the only Will Smith worth watching”
What This Means: Statements like this one are really just there for the hipster to pat themselves on the back for spending more time on Netflix instant streaming than anyone else in the world.
- This is a movie where Will Smith plays a crippled homeless person
- The only thing he did before this movie was the first two seasons of Fresh Prince, and two short cameos on other TV series'
- One was uncredited
- For hipsters, uncredited appearances by actors before they became really famous has long replaced the need to experience orgasm
“Insane Clown Posse”
What This Means: When in doubt, just shout the name of a concept group whose actual talent is simultaneously compromised and underscored by their strict adherence to whatever self-proclaimed cultural movement they are trying to espouse.
- In 1986, the acceptable plugin would’ve been the Blue Man Group
- The Blue Man Group was formed in 1987