Have you ever talked to anyone who currently attends, or graduated from, a small liberal arts college (less than 3,000 people)? They’re insane. They talk loudly about themselves; they try and one-up your story about that time you thought all that meth was just adderall with a story about how they fell asleep on the campus shuttle; they are never funny; they try to talk about economics. Here’s my theory: these dweebazoids lived in the same dorm group for three or four years. Other schools have fraternities and sports dorms and art clubs and apartments, and you’re forced to find your niche and fit in. Everyone moves out after Freshman year, so you need to find friends quick. You become humble, interesting, you learn what makes people laugh, you divide. It’s basic socialization. Yet at these tiny colleges, there are no repercussions for being an obnoxious ass, because guess what? You get to live with all your “friends” again next year and the year after. There is never any division. It’s school policy.
Tomorrow, a documentary called Bully will get wide release in theatres. Not that that’s important, because no one will go see it because it’s not called “The Avengers.” But the hype is everywhere; Justin Bieber is involved and if “Call Me Maybe” taught us anything, it’s “Bet on the Biebs” (at least that’s what my t-shirt says right now). And have you seen the trailer? Holy sh*t, that thing will make you stand up and declare “No Bullies for Life!” Yet as I was pounding the absolute piss out of some 4th grader who looked like he might be the bullying-type, I had this thought - could this idea be taken too far? And this is what scares me most. I’m all about a movie that helps stop kids from being mercilessly picked on, but these days everything is done in extremes. I fear that Bieber’s mega-charisma and good looks could incite a movement against bullying so strong that there will be no such thing as “cool” or “Bro” or “nerdy” because everything will just be the same. We’ll have some weird nightmare world where everyone is friends and nice and there won’t be any feelings of superiority. Imagine the kind of life where everyone is at the party and nobody is sitting at home with their Mom watching Kitchen Nightmares and eating Baby Bells. It’s cringe-inducing. And maybe you’re thinking - “No Nerds? Awesome.” But you would be very wrong.
Why you ask? Let me explain...
Crushing sweet bevs and owning it with the chicks takes time. Bros can’t be bothered with creating super chips and flying cars. That’s why we need to make sure all the nerds are at home on Saturday night. Bill Gates was in his garage creating the home computer probably after wiping away his tears from some super sweet wedgie. No Bill Gates means no computer, which means no I-Phone, which means no Google Maps directions to some slam-dime’s apartment at 2 a.m. Get it?
All of the comedies I like on TV involve some sort of awkwardness. Bros don’t admit to feeling awkward. We crush those moments with being loud, chanting stuff, and calling people gay. A Bro could never write a show like Parks and Rec or Community because every scene would end with two chicks boning some awesome Dude. Without Nerds, who will talk about their emotions? Who would have written that episode of the Fresh Prince where his Dad comes back but then ends up leaving in the end and Uncle Phil was right all along and I wept at the end? Wait, what? T*ts. I mean, t*ts. I was talking about t*tties.
Less Dudes at the Bars
Bullying thins the herd. Telling some dweeby kid that his clothes make him look like he lost his pen*s in a tragic lazer-tag incident makes him rely less on his appearance and more on his personality. He’ll then have to talk to girls and create some sort of connection that makes them fall in love.... which is totally pathetic. That means the Nerpple (Nerd Couple) is at home sipping wine on the couch playing Boggle and naming future children. This leaves more room at the bars for big fist pumps and chugging beers from a full split (aka Jean-Claude Van Damme-ing).
Comic Book Movies
Bros like them. We can’t tell chicks this and we definitely can’t write on fan pages to make sure that they get made. This is where the Nerds come in. Nerds get bullied, they ban together to hang out, they have make believe fights against us (a tree or something huge and awesome) in the backyard dressed as their favorite super heroes, they grow up, have nostalgia, create Batman Fan Fiction, we get "Batman Begins." Everyone wins.
Who doesn’t love how chicks look in nerdy glasses? Without Nerds those glasses wouldn’t be anti-establishment and we’d have no way of banging a chick who reminds us of Babs Bunny when she dressed as a schoolgirl (we all want this, right?).
Knowing How Awesome We Are
When a Bro wants to be reminded about how awesome he is before going out, we don’t look in the mirror. We think of that Nerdy kid playing pickup basketball in his jeans. Then we get a really huge boner, let it calm down, then we go out and rage (I imagine you get the same awesome feeling from dunking a basketball). If Nerds didn’t exist, then we'd tell that kid to wear mesh shorts and we'd forget our own awesomeness.
See, without Nerds there are no Bros, and without Bros, well, what else is there? Everyone is different and this is a good thing. This movie will come out and Mila Kunis will have an interview about how she was picked on and how it was horrible. But if Mila doesn’t get picked on a little then maybe she wouldn’t have gotten her ass to the gym and plucked her eyebrows and we all wouldn’t be joyfully masturbating to a photo of her head crudely photoshopped onto a p*rn star’s body. Nobody should be picked on to the point where their life is ruined, but there are life experiences that everyone should go through. Let’s not let Justin Bieber create a world where we are all the same, unless it gets us into that sweet party from the “Call Me Maybe” video.
Jared Freid is a New York City-based comedian. You can follow him on Twitter @jtrain56 for videos, column updates, pics of dudes rocking out to "Call Me Maybe", and plenty of pen*s jokes.