I know it’s tempting, Bro. That girl with the fat ass and juicy chest pieces is 100% thoroughbred lust object. And through some miracle of good timing, clothes your ex bought you and beer courage you managed to convince her that you’re bedroom material.
Congratulations. You’ve just landed a whopper aka an Instagram Girl. Go ahead and take some pictures with her. High-five your friends. Even make a sex tape if your ass pimples don’t bother you when blown up on the computer monitor. Then remove that hook and throw that 110lb. pile of makeup, implants and hair extensions back into the water.
A few of you more clever mongrels might be able to turn your time with her into a ‘friends with benefits’ situation, but we don’t recommend it. It’s more likely that most of you will contract monogamists and get sucked into that black hole that is her desperate, clingy attention-vortex fan base.
But we feel you bro. We know how hard it is to give up something so tempting. So we’re gonna break this down into easily digestible pieces so that you will save yourself the long line of problems that come with dating an Instagram Girl.
1. If she was a real model, she’d be modeling
There’s a big difference between famous chicks with Instagram accounts and Instagram Girls. Famous chicks like Rihanna and Britney Spears want to maintain contact with their fans and perpetuate their fame to boost their careers.
Instagram Girls just want attention for being hot. See, through a combination of hard work, timing and good decisions the famous chick has managed to turn her looks into a career. The Instagram Girl is just really good at showing up to work, using her gym membership and manipulating the filters in her camera phone. And at flirting with the cooks to get more free bleu cheese for your hot wings.
2. The jersey will always trump you
She may or may not know what a ‘first down’ is, but when Mr. Pointguard or Captain Longball walk into her Hooters restaurant, your name will be the furthest thing from her mind. Instagram Girls are second only to music video models in athlete pulling power. So no matter what his jersey number is, he will always be #1 before you in her heart.
3. You are not in the top 1%
There are a select group of guys that will always have their way with the girls they want. You know these guys because they say dumb things like ‘All you have to do is say ‘hello’ and be confident! The girls will come.’
These guys were born with a certain genetic combination that makes panties drop like some kind of punanny-pulling pixie dust. Although your mom may call you her special snowflake, getting girls will always be work for you. How much more work will it be when your girl is getting compliments from 5,000 dudes looking to be where you’re at? Yeah. Pass.
A girl’s selfies are good for two things:
1. Potential spank bank material
2. Letting you know how vapid she is
Selfies are someone’s attempt to bring validity to their life through other people’s opinions instead of on their merit alone. Do you need selfies? No. You do the stuff you like because you like it, not because your 2.5K Facebook friends may ‘LIKE’ it.
If this girl had anything going for her besides how she looked, Random House would have advanced it, a scientific journal would have published it or Wall Street would have secured her a golden parachute. You have other stuff to do besides posing next to her in front of the bull statue to increase her New York demographic. Go do it.
5. Her followers will be all up in your shit
Speaking of her 2.5K Facebook friends, 3.8K twitter followers and 10K Instagram fans, do you really want to get shown up by Stan from Billings, Montana who noticed your girl’s new highlights before you did?
Do you really want these guys buying her better stuff than you can afford right off of her Amazon wishlist? Do you really wanna break in the new lingerie set she got from ‘just a friend’ Jeremy on your anniversary night? No. But you will be.
Every guy that’s involved in her life is involved also in yours. They’ll comment on your steak when when she takes pics of her meal. You take them to the football game when she wants shots of herself in front of the field. And you take them to bed when she keeps taking those bra and panty pics.
6. There are hotter girls everywhere
The allure of the Instagram Girl is distinct because dating her is like getting next to a really really hot celebrity. But in the end the fantasy must be maintained, be damned the reality. And the reality is that unless you want to become her manager, you will always be the backseat boyfriend.
Fret not young squire. There are girls that are just as hot or hotter everywhere. They also work in restaurants. But they may have careers in technical positions. They might even love them some crossfit and won’t necessarily feel that they have to share this with the world. Go find her. And enjoy your steak in peace.
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