Dating keeps evolving. First, God created hitting a girl over the head with a rock and it was good. Then there was getting a BJ and claiming she was a witch so you didn’t have to marry her. Then, because our God is a vengeful God, there was the fifties with lookout points and flowers (also called “The Blue Balls Era"). Then came the free loving 60's and 70’s that sounds awesome until you remember it’s why herpes exists. Then came the 90’s where you carried around little black books and thought AIDs was a real thing. Then God created the Internet and that’s when things really started to go crazy with not-so-blind-dates and dating profiles and people outwardly admitting they have a thing for feet, and it was good.
BUT NOW THERE’S TINDER. And it is good. For eons, people have wondered how to approach the girls and guys they thought were hot over Facebook without looking creepy. They tried poking only to find out that this was the internet version of the creepy things that homeless have been doing on subway trains for years. Then they tried messaging which only got weirder when the only thing you could say was, “Hey so I saw your picture and you’re over 18 - I thought I’d say yo, baby.” So everyone on Facebook settled for masturbation to a select group of spring break pictures. We were in a no-mans-land, a drifting raft where we could see all of these hot chicks partying on the shores just out of reach.
Until Tinder, an app that gives you the profile pics of people (and some other choice shots) in your area, you say whether they are hot or not, and if there’s a match you two get to message knowing there’s at the very least a mutual agreement on each other’s bone-ability. And if you’re not on it yet, here are some reasons why you need to start an account:
You ever check your email, Facebook, and Twitter and wonder, “What’s next?” You start listening in class and ten minutes later you get back onto the same email, Facebook, Twitter merry go round and nothing has happened. No new status updates to read and then hate. No new tweets to favorite and make that person wonder why you didn’t retweet. Well, get on Tinder and add a fourth distraction from Chem class. You’ll be swiping names for minutes on end. Then you’ll get a match and you’ll be doing your best stalker impression trying to get more pictures. Next thing you know, you’ll look up, chem class is over, and you haven’t eaten in 3 days.
The great part about Tinder is you never know who is swiping you to the no pile. You only receive a nice yes. You have no idea how many thousands, if not millions (probably millions), of girls or guys swiped your ugly face to the left side (I call it the “troll side”). All you get is the five or six who said, “yea sure fine, I guess.” Unlike real, miserable life, there is no fear of rejection. And that feels pretty good.
Nothing To Lose
Look at you. You’re single. Sitting at work or school or on your couch doing nothing. You could be on Tinder, judging some chick’s kissy-face pics. You could be meeting the girl you’ll be awkwardly and gently trying to push downwards for a first date BJ this weekend. Instead, you’re debating masturbation at 4 in the afternoon and a nap.
The worst part about any dating situation is wasting time. Tinder has taken the “Is she or he attracted to me?” question out of the equation. Even if your pictures are a ten pound lighter version of you, at least she or he knows the thinner you is a possibility. Also, you can start messaging with someone on Tinder and just stop. There’s no message that says you’ve read what they wrote. After all, this isn’t hell. I mean who would have such a horrible idea like letting someone know when you’ve read their message. What kind of ass would do this to people. ANSWER ME LINDA! I KNOW YOU SAW MY FACEBOOK MESSAGE!
Front Row Seat To Creepy
This one is more for my lady fans (I see you, I want you, ok I’ll stop). As science has pointed out to us, every dude is creepy. When we get drunk we just sit at the end of a bar and stare until you think we are braindead. Us guys call this “Our move” you guys call it “Creepy.” We’re all only thinking about what’s you’d look like covered in duct tape (Internet porn has ruined me). But in this Tinder Utopia, creepiness is practically a requisite; take away the fear of rejection, and the truth comes out a bit earlier. Some guy will send you a “Hey we would have nice looking babies” message without any qualms. Shake off that tingle going up your spine and go to brunch with a phone full of awesome stories to clink mimosas about. Then block the guy and move on. Don’t worry he’s only masturbated to your profile picture, which he printed and cut the eyes out of, like 35 times.
Learn a Little About Yourself
Ultimately, Tinder brings us back to the early promise of hitting someone over the head with a rock, minus the violence. It simplifies human interaction to the basic facts. There is no, “well, he seems nice,” or, “well, our interests are similar.” There are none of the lies of Match.com or eHarmony to cloud the simple fact of, “Am I attracted to this person?” The fact is we make decisions about the opposite sex within a half of a second. If you don’t believe me, join Tinder and watch how quickly you disregard some of the people. You become this cold, hardened, love assassin sent to kill chicks that you have no interest in. There is no more debating; everyone knows right away who they would and wouldn’t bone. Recapture that animal instinct; that honest, stripped down version of humanity that knows no war, no famine, and no arguments over whose parents to visit for Thanksgiving. You want to have weird sex with attractive strangers because it is a right of not just humanity, but the animal kingdom. When the aliens finally come to study our planet, they’ll wonder why one species insisted on complicating sex with love notes and dinner dates, pop songs and romantic comedies. But then they’ll discover the small sect of humanity who uses Tinder and think, “They are highly evolved, I wonder if they’ll join us on our Candy Orgy Planet?” Yes. Yes we will. For we are human; watch us Tinder.
Are you joining? Yes? Here are 3 Tinder Tips:
Crop: When you set up an account Tinder takes a few pictures from Facebook but sometimes they aren’t cropped correctly for the app. Some people don’t realize that one of the five pictures ends up being a close-up of their knee. This is a plus for all the knee fetish guys, but a real drawback for the rest of us normal people.
Your Status: If your Tinder Status is a huge long bio, it tells me you put a lot of time into an app that’s supposed to be about as serious as a Vegas Wedding between two meth heads. Relax a little, know this thing is kind of dumb and be clever. Something like, “Validate me with your swipe,” or “I’m an 8 on Tinder and a 6 in real life aka I give BJ’s” or “Dibs inside spoon! I’m a dude who’s looking for a beard!”
Group Shot: If all of your pictures on Tinder are you and your ladies at brunch or you and your bros shirtless in Punta Cana (you’re killing it btw) then how do people know who or what they are swiping? That’s like a game of roulette. You end up on a first date waiting for her to walk into the bar and you’re cross your fingers cheering in your mind, “Cute one in the middle! Cute one in the middle! Cute one in the middle! Ahhhh the midget in the corner! Every time with the midgets!” Then you try to bang that midget hoping to do better the next time.
Join Tinder. Have fun. Wrap it up (I mean your penis or your partner’s). Check them out on twitter @TinderChats.
Jared Freid is a New York City-based comedian who you can see on MTV’s Failosophy on Thursdays at 10:30pm. Follow him on Twitter @jtrain56 for videos, columns, and more Tinder Tips. You can also subscribe to his Facebook page here
Girl texting pic via shutterstock