Life
by Lance Pauker on June 26, 2013

*for the purposes this article, we are talking about 5-year reunions. Given the material however, similar themes could likely apply to the 10th. 

1. Show Up By Yourself

Showing up anywhere by yourself implies that you're cool enough to survive–and possibly even thrive–in that particular situation. Therein lies the magic–even if you weren't cool enough back then, now you are. Growth accomplished. 

Going by yourself = owning a situation you may didn’t own 5 years ago = girls will turn their heads. Also, a lone wolf in plaid seems to be an alluring target. Add four more dudes, not so much.  

2. Don’t Drink

This one probably sounds crazy. Actually, it’s definitely crazy. But consider this:

The only reason why anyone would ever go to a high school reunion would be to appear significantly better than they were as a hapless virgin. Therefore, in order to #demonstratevalue, you have to bring something to the table. Most people generally do that with money and a hot wife.

You however are 23, which is mathematical guarantee that at least half the money you make is going to rent. You’re also 23, meaning that the only reason you should be married is if you accidentally knocked up your high school sweetheart. Thus, extreme improvisation is absolutely necessary.

Not drinking seems like something radically mature, which will therefore offer a glimpse into what you may be like as an actual adult. It’ll show that against all odds, you’ll be perfectly content with having a single glass of wine at a nice dinner and talking about how great you feel for getting such an “early start to the day.” Borat Sagdiyev, the combination of these two things is the pussy magnet you've been searching long and hard for. 

3. Talk About Traveling as Much as Possible

If you’ve ever watched television, you’ll know that the single greatest thing a red-blooded American teenager could ever do is talk about how one glorious day, he’s gonna get the hell out of this town. Because this town, despite its decent sense of community, relatively self-sustaining economy, and myriad of restaurants and local attractions, is also fucking hell.* 

*This somewhat has to do with walking into the deli and having to force conversation with the ex-linebacker behind the counter. But it mostly has to do with the fact that you hate most people, and really need go somewhere else to find a new crop of people to eventually hate.

In conclusion, you should talk about how many places you’ve been to that weren’t the crummy town you’re currently inhabiting. Other places are magical. Like music festivals in Austin, or wherever The Decemberists are playing. Just ask Julie Taylor. 

CONTINUE READING ON THE NEXT PAGE… 

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4. Pretend Not to Know About School Gossip

We’ve all seen the ridiculous muploads of that kid Louis from the baseball team–his obsession with taking steroids and getting bottle service in low class areas is by far the most compelling component the entire school’s Facebook timeline. Remarkable developments such as this one have likely made their way into email chains, group texts, and possibly real-life conversations. 

But if it’s not on the level of Louis, it’s best to feign knowledge.

For example:

  • When it comes to acquaintances, its best not to know anything about their life–what they’re doing, where they’re living, why the fuck they think anyone would care that they’re eating fish tacos in a backyard with furniture from IKEA
  • Ask about relationships that you know ended over a year ago. Nothing screams “I’m above this” like a passive-aggressive jabs at things you once really cared about
  • If there has been a recent teacher scandal, know nothing about it.*


*Actually know nothing about this. If you know every detail, it means its high time to outgrow your Dexter Freebish stage.

5. Make Great References to the Fact That “High School Never Ends”

The best thing you could do in this situation is to take things that were once applicable–like songs written by the band Bowling for Soup–and apply them to what you are currently doing.

With that in mind, its best to immerse yourself in a deep conversation with that once innocent but now pretty hot girl you used to have have a thing for, and now definitely have a thing for. Woo her with tales of your band playing at cool underground venues in the city, talk it up like it’s this entire different world that everyday humans could never grasp, but then hit ‘em with the curveball–tell her that half the time, it feels like the politics of the whole thing are exactly the same as high school jazz band. That one across the room eye roll you shared in eleventh grade has never been more valuable.

6. …But the Old Days, They the Old Days

Times change. Deep down, you’ll know you’ll never have the same connection with these people that you once shared. If you did it’d be weird and everyone would hate themselves. But you should always remember the somewhat glory days.  

I couldnt've been more wrong about that second point, by the way. Go to your elementary school playground with your best buds and get shit-hammered. Then write a movie about it, get into Sundance, and get completely ripped off by some big-time suit. Teenage idealism will only get you so far.  

 

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