For men of a certain age (not to be confused with the 2009 comedy-drama vehicle starring Ray Romano), these past few months have represented a nice boomerang. Having departed from high school a half-decade ago*, we’ve seen some things and done some stuff. But at the same time, while 4 people have unexpectedly had kids (if you haven't made odds on what almost-forgotten person is next, do this STAT) five years really isn’t that long at all.
So while we’ve totally changed, Bro, we also totally have not whatsoever.
*for the purposes this article, we are talking about 5-year reunions. Given the material however, similar themes could likely apply to the 10th.
1. Show Up By Yourself
Showing up anywhere by yourself implies that you're cool enough to survive--and possibly even thrive--in that particular situation. Therein lies the magic--even if you weren't cool enough back then, now you are. Growth accomplished.
Going by yourself = owning a situation you may didn’t own 5 years ago = girls will turn their heads. Also, a lone wolf in plaid seems to be an alluring target. Add four more dudes, not so much.
2. Don’t Drink
This one probably sounds crazy. Actually, it’s definitely crazy. But consider this:
The only reason why anyone would ever go to a high school reunion would be to appear significantly better than they were as a hapless virgin. Therefore, in order to #demonstratevalue, you have to bring something to the table. Most people generally do that with money and a hot wife.
You however are 23, which is mathematical guarantee that at least half the money you make is going to rent. You’re also 23, meaning that the only reason you should be married is if you accidentally knocked up your high school sweetheart. Thus, extreme improvisation is absolutely necessary.
Not drinking seems like something radically mature, which will therefore offer a glimpse into what you may be like as an actual adult. It’ll show that against all odds, you’ll be perfectly content with having a single glass of wine at a nice dinner and talking about how great you feel for getting such an “early start to the day.” Borat Sagdiyev, the combination of these two things is the pussy magnet you've been searching long and hard for.
3. Talk About Traveling as Much as Possible
If you’ve ever watched television, you’ll know that the single greatest thing a red-blooded American teenager could ever do is talk about how one glorious day, he’s gonna get the hell out of this town. Because this town, despite its decent sense of community, relatively self-sustaining economy, and myriad of restaurants and local attractions, is also fucking hell.*
*This somewhat has to do with walking into the deli and having to force conversation with the ex-linebacker behind the counter. But it mostly has to do with the fact that you hate most people, and really need go somewhere else to find a new crop of people to eventually hate.
In conclusion, you should talk about how many places you’ve been to that weren’t the crummy town you’re currently inhabiting. Other places are magical. Like music festivals in Austin, or wherever The Decemberists are playing. Just ask Julie Taylor.
CONTINUE READING ON THE NEXT PAGE...