4. Stuff Gets Dirty All the Fucking Time
Owning apartment stuff is like having a child who drinks ipecac lattes (feel free to google ipecac and also feel free to remember that lattes turn your butt into a fire hose. Those two pieces of information are crucial to understanding that gem of a joke). Dust, dirt, mud and bugs all sneak up on you unless you make sure to give your apartment a fairly frequent scrub-down. Kitchens and bathrooms tend to also get mucked up fairly bad, so it might even pay to get a cleaning lady if you have the spare cash (or if your last name is “Romney”! #2012TopicalJokes).
5. You Need to Buy Toilet Paper Early and Often
This, for some reason, came as a bit of a shock to me. Toilet paper was always kinda just “there” wherever I was living. Remember in Harry Potter's book seven when they were in the forest in and Harry has that bottomless bag? That is kind of what toilet paper was like to me. It was always there in my house growing up, it was always there in my dorm in college and I almost kind of expected it to just BE there in my apartment when I moved in. This was not the case. I can’t stress this enough: you poop more than you think, and you use more TP than you think. Buy toilet paper early and often, or I guarantee you will be sorry.
6. Moving is the Most Stressful thing in the World
I’m convinced that hell is a place bad people go after they die, where Satan forces them to move to a new apartment every two weeks. The first thing to remember about moving is that every friend you've ever made has a “family thing” on the day you have to move out. Another thing you have to remember is that everything you own is approximately a BAZILLION pounds and does not fit through the door it came in through. One last thing you should know is that everything you bought at Ikea is incredibly sturdy until you have to move it. Once you move your Ikea desk it goes from being made of strong pieces of composite wood to a glorified cardboard cutout of a desk, held together by pieces of string cheese microwaved for 45 seconds.
Moving sucks. Friends suck. Ikea sucks. String cheese is amazing but should not be used to hold together furniture.
[Moving couple image via Shutterstock]