Moving into an apartment is an important milestone in one’s life. When you get your first apartment it means you might be right out of college and, chances are, it also means you're living for the first time with some sort of financial freedom from your parents. A week ago you were someone who never put pants on before 1 pm and got thoroughly excited while watching the Domino’s Pizza Tracker—but today you're someone who never put pants on before 1pm and gets thoroughly excited while watching the Domino’s Pizza Tracker WITH AN APARTMENT. That subtle difference makes you an adult.
But as Uncle Ben told Peter Parker, "With great power comes great responsibility.” We get all this cool adult stuff, but in exchange we're forced to deal with boring adult responsibilities: Interacting with a boss at work, discovering what a 401k is, and, most annoying thing of all, living in an apartment.
That's right. These tiny pieces of cramped real estate are the biggest pain in the butthole that being an adult has to offer. Sure, having a place of your own without parents or siblings is cool, but literally everything else about property ownership sucks all the dicks in Delaware. Don’t believe me? When is the last time you heard someone say, “Dude, you GOTTA try living without a meal card in a place where you have to provide your own toilet paper. IT IS AMAZING”?
There are a bazillion things that suck about owning an apartment which no one ever tells you. Here's the top six:
1. Cereal is Unreasonably Expensive
I have no idea when the supply/demand economics of cereal became so goddamn screwed up, but cereal is a lot more expensive than you realize. At $6-$7 a box and another $3 for the milk, cereal is less of a midnight snack and more of a late night food investment. (A “foovestment,” if you will.) There is a way to get around this hefty price tag: Buy generic brand cereal. Shoprite's “Crunchy O’s” are just as good as Cheerios, Kirkland's “Fruity Tooties” are just as good as Fruity Pebbles, and Malt-O-Meal's “Suga’ Chunk AK47 Flavo Blasted Chippy Dippies” (or whatever the hell Malt-o-Meal calls their stuff) is just as good as Frosted Flakes.
Also, unrelated note: never step foot into a Whole Foods. That place is strictly for people who own Google Glass and say things like, “I knew Shiner Bock was coming to New York before most other people did.”
2. Your Rent is Expensive, your Room is Tiny and the Next Door Neighbors are a Mariachi Band
You will live in a thimble, pay $900 a month in rent and have neighbors who insist that 2 a.m. on the clock doesn’t mean it isn’t 10:30pm in their dance shoes. Welcome to city living.
3. Bills are Annoying and Show Up At the Worst Times
Where do I even begin with these little monthly gifts from Con-Ed and Time Warner. Imagine for a second that you were going out with a supermodel but the catch was that once a month she would non-fatally stab you. That is how bills feel. Bills let you do super-cool things like turning on lights and not freezing to death in the winter, but they also do some not super-cool things like drain your bank account and make you have to chose between cereal OR milk at Duane Reade. (Expert advice: choose the milk. Cheerios are dry little Mothers Effers).
Checking your mail at the end of the month when you know a bill is coming gives you a similar heart-sinking feeling that the wives of soldiers fighting overseas in WWII felt anytime their doorbell would ring. My tip to you: figure out how much utilities are early on and make sure to save at least $20 extra a month to cover these bills. Be smart. Be cool. Be kosher.