Life
by Lance Pauker on October 27, 2012

1. Organize Your Takeout/Delivery Menus

What seems like a behemoth of a task is actually quite simple.

  • Take as much time as you need to mentally prepare for getting up from the couch
  • Accomplish the impossible, then venture into the kitchen
  • Exhaust that one cabinet of all menus.
  • At the same time, exhale that fart you’ve been holding in for the last 20 minutes
  • Reclaim your spot on couch, or sit on person who jacked your spot
  • On the nearest open space (floor, coffee table, other couch area), organize menus by food genre
  • Remain on the couch until dinner time
  • You now have a vast array of nicely organized food options at your disposal.
  • Order food, eat food, and leave the neatly piled menus where they are.
  • Either someone else will put them away, or your afternoon of hard-work will be destroyed
  • If your guilt-inducing skills are remotely exsistent, you can parlay the latter into a free drink. 

2. Buy a New Pair of Sweatpants

Did you know that for the past 54 Saturdays, your roommates have been making offhand comments about your sweatpants, increasingly likening its dredge history to that of a hospital sewer?

It’s time to invest in a new pair of these babies. As the official clothing of people who hate themselves, is there really a better time to buy these than Saturday afternoon? A time when the wounds of the retroactive text discoveries are still fresh?

3. Educate Yourself with VH1 Countdown Programming

College Football is all the rage on a Saturday, and for good reason. But if your team is a lost cause, what better way to drown your sorrows than flipping over to VH1 and gorging yourself into one of those “100 Greatest Songs of the 90’s” countdowns?

Narrated by the likes of once-respectable comedians, Sal Masekela type hosts who never got as big as you might’ve initially thought, and stunningly outdated musicians, it’s impossible NOT to watch one of these things without bated breath. Before you know it, the pewter gray “fuck it, it's Saturday,” cloudline will cede to an “oh shit, it's already nighttime” 8 PM shade. By this juncture, it’ll be high time to get back on the saddle.

4. Social Media Trimming/Middle Name Identifying

You've been building your social media blacklist for quite sometime now. Yet, because the actual act of defriending requires a significantly large chunk of option-weighing, you've never actually gotten around to pulling the trigger. 

That fateful click of a button is a tree violently down in a forest they may eventually wander into, so the “bridge burned” index needs to be concrete.

Now is also a great time to finally figure out who the fuck  “Stephanie Ashton,” “Patrick Steven,” and “BigHands Beastington” are.

5. Spend the Afternoon Figuring Out Which One of Your Roommates Is the Biggest Tool

A fairly simple game. Rules are as follows

A. Pick a roommate
B. Gain one point for self-induced mention of

  • how drunk he got last night
  • how hungover he currently is
  • how he “may not make it out tonight”
  • how awesome the shit he just took was

C. Gain one point for utterances of the following words or phrases

  • I have no idea how that happened
  • Yo, check out what she texted me
  • Fuck
  • I really gotta stop doing this

D. Gain an additional point if roommate is wearing his “go-to” hungover attire

  • “Go-to” attire is generally tacitly understood.
  • If unsure, it is not “go-to” attire

E. Gain five additional points if

  • He lost his phone, and spends all day narrating the updates

F. Lose five points if

  • He lost his phone, but didn’t tell anybody about it.

Set a time deadline, tally the points up, and the person who selected the roommate who garnered him the most points wins. Note that this is a game best played when the tools in question do not know of the stakes and/or rules.