Like most of you currently reading this, I watch a lot of porn. A LOT of porn. I’m not just a porn consumer; I’m a connoisseur. A porn sommelier, if you will—able to distinguish between porn at all ends of the quality spectrum. (And if you’re not buying that girls watch porn, I like to say there are two kinds of people in this world: 1. People who like porn, and 2. LIARS, because EVERYBODY likes porn!)
Beyond getting my jollies from it, I like porn because you can actually learn a lot from it. Don’t know what that fetish is? Fire up XHamster and do a quick search. And if you want to be better at sex, it can be amazingly helpful to watch a few videos—I refined my blowjob technique that way, for example.
Unfortunately, not all porn is created equal, and while you can learn a lot of good things from it, there is also a lot of stuff that should never, ever be attempted in your own bedroom. And even worse, the performers are getting paid to look like they’re having the orgasms of their lives, so even when it doesn’t feel good they moan anyway.
So how are you, male readers, to know what’s right and wrong? Lucky for you, I’m here to educate you.
Without further ado, here are the five times porn gets it DISASTROUSLY WRONG:
Slapping her clit
There is nothing I love more in this world than a guy burying his face in between my legs and going to town. But NEVER ONCE have I said, “Hey, you know what would be awesome? Stop doing that entirely pleasurable thing you’re currently doing and start playing my body like the bongos.”
It seems like there’s always a point in lesbian porn scenes where the oral giver stops licking and starts slapping away at the top of her recipient’s labia. What gives, ladies? What did her clit do to you that was so bad you had to punish it?
Thrusting as fast as humanly possible
Female porn stars must have vaginas made of leather. If anyone rammed their cock into me at the warp speed you see in porn, my lady parts would be practically exfoliated. And don’t even get me started on the scenes where the guy is thrusting at that speed when he’s getting a blowjob. Believe it or not, most women enjoy giving head. But you know what they don’t enjoy? The sensation of drowning, which is exactly what you’ll give to her if you emulate porn and thrust into her mouth.
I know that ramming speed feels good for you, but for us? Not so much. For the love of all things holy: S-L-O-W D-O-W-N.
Cumming anywhere that’s not skin
Every porn scene ends in ejaculation (well, if you make it that far in the video, I suppose), at which time male porn stars will fling their jizz like rice at a wedding. That shit goes EVERYWHERE—her hair, her clothes, every part of her body AND the goddamn camera lens.
Do you have any idea what semen feels like when it’s shot straight into your eyeball? I do, and it STINGS. Your mom always told you masturbation caused blindness, but turns out it’s not for your eyes—it’s for your girl’s after you came in them. And if your jizz gets in my hair? Semen makes my hair feel sticky, dry and stiff; like I’ve just sprayed a shit-ton of cheap hairspray into it.
For the future, if you’re going to cum on her, be kind and do it on her chest or her chin.
OK, seriously, what is with this? This particular act pops up in literally every varietal of porn you could possibly consume and in every possible way. I’m talking about when one performer is going down on another, and she backs off, opens her mouth, and just lets a huge drop of spit slowly form a string out of her mouth and onto his junk. Or alternatively, a guy will be going down on a girl and all of a sudden he just spits on her genitals.
This. Is. GROSS. I agree that saliva needs to be generated for sex and wetter is better for all things bedroom-related, but strings of spittle hanging down from your mouth remind me of my best friend’s drooling baby.
Never do this.
Going from anal to any other hole
Nothing will make me slam my laptop lid and fling my computer across the room faster than a porn star gleefully dipping his dick from hole to hole to hole when one of those holes is a butt.
Out of all the points I’ve made today, this is the one I most fervently hope you follow. The ass must always be the final stop on the sexual line. When I watch scenes where the guy takes his dick out of her ass and puts it back in her vagina, my brain just screams “OH MY GOD, YOU’RE GOING TO GIVE HER A YEAST INFECTION!!!”
You can go mouth to vagina, vagina to mouth, mouth to ass, vagina to ass. But you must NEVER, EVER go ass to anywhere else. Her sexual health depends on it!
So that’s it. By all means, if you enjoy viewing any of the aforementioned things, knock yourself out. Jerk off until the sun comes up and your body is as desiccated as a raisin. Who am I to judge what you like to watch? But once you’ve got a woman in your bunk, you’ve GOT to contain yourself. Trust me, you’ll be better off.
[Confused Man via Shutterstock]