This is America, or at least it used to be. We were a country founded on capitalism and hedonism. Unfortunately, our self-destructive tendencies are being challenged by multinational corporations looking to make a PR splash by cementing their identity as “health conscious,” “environmentally friendly” and “not just out to up charge you 200% on a tube of fucking toothpaste.”
As you probably already guessed, I’m talking about CVS, the first U.S. based pharmacy to announce that they would stop selling cigarettes and other tobacco products in their 7,600 stores by October 1.
Now all you do-gooders out there are probably thinking “more companies should do what CVS is doing.” Here’s why that’s wrong. Their motives aren’t genuine. CVS stands to take a $2 billion hit from foregoing tobacco sales, or 1.6% of their annual $123 billion profits. That’s like the average bro sacrificing 5 total beers a year. CVS isn’t interested in your health, they made the move because some PR agency told them that it would cement the brand as a bona fide “health care company” and give them a leg up on Walgreens, Rite Aid, etc.
That’s why I’m proposing 5 items that should have been taken off the shelves before stogies, assuming CVS actually gave a shit about your health or running a better, more-efficient business.
1. Unhealthy Food
This includes everything from soda to fucking Zebra Cakes. Roughly 35.7 percent of U.S. adults are obese and premature mortality rates resulting from obesity are approaching those of tobacco use. If you want to call yourself a health care company stop slinging anything that rhymes with ‘itos’.
2. The Kodak Photo Center
3. The Weird Revolving DVD Rack with C-List Movies from 17 Years Ago
Look, I like Danny Glover as much as the next bro, but there’s no fucking way it’s fiscally responsible to still be selling copies of Angels in the Outfield. SPOILER ALERT: They won the pennant; dad never came back; Joseph Gordon-Levitt got adopted. The thought of having to choose my evening entertainment from this rack alone makes me fiend a smoke.
4. Toys Nobody Uses
Still not sure why this even exists. Oh wait, it’s because CVS, and every other major pharmacy on the planet, thought rambunctious five year old needed another outlet to publicly shame their parents into buying them more toys. Let’s be honest, between Amazon and good ole’ Toys “R” US any parent who buys their kid a slinky at Walgreens should have their child handed over to Social Services.
5. Finger Protectors
These are actually just recalled condoms from India that fit better on American fingers then, well… you know. Finger protectors accomplish nothing a standard issued band-aid couldn’t do and require considerable more lube. Unless you’re considering dressing up as Margot Tenenbaum (smoker) next Halloween, you probably don’t have a good reason to buy a pack of these, but you’ll definitely need a pack of these
And in case you’re still not convinced that CVS is run by sociopaths, there’s also this.
See anything missing from my list above? Comment below to let me know what I missed