If you haven’t heard of the book 50 Shades of Grey by E.L. James you must have had your head surgically attached to a bong for the last year. For those of you who know the book you may be asking yourself why I’m bringing it up? It’s a book written by a chick, for chicks. It’s even been described as “mommy porn”. Which might turn some of you on, but that’s not the point.
The book highlights the sexual adventures of a college senior’s affair with an older man who is into BDSM. For those of you unfamiliar with the acronym, that stands for Bondage, Dominance, Submission, and Masochism. Heavy right? You still may be scratching your head wondering, “Who cares?” You should. With the advent of this book series came a quick transformation in American society- the introduction, sparse acceptance, and general intrigue with kinky shit. It’s always been there under the surface, but now it seems to have poked its leather gimp mask out from the underground, right in the middle of June Cleaver’s dressing room. There are many benefits to this sexual renaissance. Not the least of which is hot empowered females trying to get their dark on. I smell opportunity.
There are five stages to breaking your freak cherry. Only when you have completed all of them can you truly walk among the sex giants, and enjoy the previously deviant, scary sexual acts you only thought porn stars did.
1. Denial: Don’t psyche yourself out. People are into some unique things, like BDSM, ass play, robot fetishism, burusera, and erotic falconry (for real, google it). The girl you’re with probably has some kinky desires just waiting to be cultivated. Once you have established trust, and communicated your openness to her fantasies, then you can start exploring.
2. Anger: Why me? You might cry as she straps a gag ball around your head and whips out a paddle that puts to shame that Popsicle stick your pledge master used. Don’t worry, it’ll be a hell of a story, and you’re a dude, no matter what she does to you, you’ll still probably cum.
3. Bargaining: There’s no bargaining your way out of a sexual fantasy. The only way to end it, if the ecstasy becomes too great, is to use a safe word. Better establish and commit it to memory before getting down to business.
4. Depression: Forget all those paltry social standards about sex. Scratch that; forget all of your own standards about sex. This is about exploration, not your illusion of self-respect. You only live once, stop feeling guilty.
5. Acceptance: It’s over, and like your first time on a roller coaster a wave of euphoria washes away your doubt. That was scary, but felt surprisingly good.
Fetishes are normal and fun. Not only can they enhance the physical pleasure of sex, but also strengthen the emotional bond between two partners.
Now go forth and shag in bizarre ways, with bizarre people, in bizarre places, and you'll be better for it in the long run.