Winter: It’s the friend (season) in the group that shows up every weekend (year) and stays over for four hours (months) longer than you’d like him to. You hate him even though he sometimes buys you drinks (presents) during the night (Christmas). But then it’s 1:30am (mid-January) and he’s cock blocking (inclement weather) you. Just when you think it’s closing time, (February) he shows up again asking if he can crash (late snow storm) at your place. Then his girlfriend (Punxsutawney Phil) pukes on your couch, (sees his shadow) and you decide to just go to bed (accept depression). Then you forget about him until next weekend (winter) when he does the exact same thing. Here’s why he (winter) is just the worst.
1. It makes literally everything more difficult
Just for starters, doing anything in winter is a process. You have to weigh out way more options each time you want to do anything that involves leaving wherever you are now. Not only that, winter also contains flu season which literally just makes your own living life more difficult. Life is hard enough without the flu. Then you add on the process of shoveling not only your own sidewalk, but your elderly neighbor’s sidewalk as well. The only payment for shoveling someone else’s sidewalk will be their gratitude for a day, which doesn’t pay for your trip to the chiropractor later. Once you can actually walk out of your driveway you’ll have to get to work/school, because it isn’t cancelled, it’s just harder to get there.
2. If it was winter year round everyone would be obese
Think about every picture you’ve seen of a beautiful woman in a bikini. Where is she? She’s on a beach and the sun is shining prominently in the background. During the winter, you’re constantly wearing layers of clothing so no one is going to see that swimsuit body. Mix layers with a disinterest in walking outside in the dark cold, and year-round winter could make our already obese nation into a super obese nation. We must never lose spring break. It’s the only thing that keeps us honest when February and March start rolling in those last few months of winter.
3. Ice fishing happens in the winter
My ice fishing equation: You take fishing and add a constant freezing cold temperature, more expensive equipment, and labor. Then you subtract the fun of casting your line, seeing the water splash when you get a bite, and getting drunk on a boat. – It’s science.
4. The extra time you lose just dealing with and talking about the cold
Time is arguably the most valuable resource we have on this planet, and we are only given a certain amount. Now think about how the simple act of leaving your house takes an extra five minutes (minimum) in the winter. You have to consider how many layers you’re going to wear, and if you have a car without a garage… well good luck. You’re going to have to make what is equivalent to a hot coal run out to your car to start it just so it’s bearable by the time you want to leave. What makes this even worse is the fact that you don’t know how frosted over your windshield is going to be each morning. This leads to you playing a guessing game with winter that has no right answers.
Also, if you’re not warding off the cold physically you’re warding it off socially. Weather is the only thing people constantly talk about while simultaneously having no interest in talking about it. Every forced conversation you’ve had with someone outside starts with, “Nice day out today” or “It’s a cold one today huh?” and if it’s winter about 90% of the “Nice day out today” comments are just people being sarcastic. When you’re talking about weather in the winter, it’s almost always a pessimistic conversation so your default conversation with a stranger is to talk negatively about where you are currently. We’re a strange species. Don’t forget to Instagram that dashboard when it hits 0 degrees.
5. You don’t know what to do with your coat
Some people like to say that they like the changing of the seasons and to those people I say no one likes dealing with coats. There’s never a good place to put them. In college you have the option of either sweating through your jacket at an overcrowded house party, or leaving it out where someone can potentially steal your coat later. Fun fact: 90% of coat-jackings are done under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
Then when you’re older, you try to use coat hangers, which ironically are terrible at holding coats. They just slide right off. Why do coat hangers angle towards the ground as if to say to gravity, “Don’t worry I’ve got your back. I know how you love heavy coats.” If you’re not dealing with a coat hanger, you’re probably at a friend’s house throwing them into a sloppy pile on their bed. People still do that right? Then later when you want to leave, you’ve got to scour through piles of coats that lay atop a bed your friend has sex on.
Bars are also a nightmare for dealing with coats and oftentimes they actually charge you just to hold on to your coat for you. That’s like charging for tap water at a restaurant. You feel violated after you get the bill. Whenever I’m in a pinch at a crowded bar, I simply take to tying my coat around my waist. Now, for some reason, most people don’t find that look very acceptable in modern society. However, I believe it’s a power move, and if you meet someone in the bar “tying one off” you’ll have found your future best friend and or future spouse.
So that’s winter and why it’s the worst. Often during winter people will say things like, “If you have bad weather, you appreciate the weather more when it’s actually nice.” Those people can go jump in an ice fishing hole and never resurface. Just be better at appreciating things. You people probably think the internet is useless too.
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