Life
by Rebecca Martinson on July 16, 2013

1. Don't Be so Friggin' Energetic

I'm not saying to stand there and talk in a monotone about glue, but at the same time don't laugh at every fuckin' thing I say and pretend you like all the things I like. Let's be honest with ourselves here, there's approximately a 99% chance give or take 0% that you're not talking to a comedian, and a 100% chance (no give or take) that you and I don't like ALL of the same shit. I just met you, and I'm not tryna become besties for resties in one night. I'd rather you disagree with me in some instances since it creates conversation instead of having rainbows fartin' out your asshole about how much you too love the movie JAWS. I know you don't. So simmer down, Lassie, and get down off my leg.

2. You're Talking About Stuff I Don't Care About / Understand

It's great that you really enjoy being a Fire Protection Engineer and have the passion to talk about sprinkler systems for hours on hours, but there is a high probability that I couldn't give two fucks less about them. This also applies for sports, although some girls are an exception. Personally, I don't share the same burning-ass passion for Fantasy Football and don't have a boner for Lebron James, and the likelihood that I'm some limey fuck that enjoys soccer is about 0 to 1. You're honestly better off finding neutral ground somewhere else. Where is that ground? Like hell I know. Stop being lazy and do some work yourself.

3. Your Facebook Is Like the Hotel From The Shining

Let's say that you met a lovely lady and you added her on Facebook… but hold up. Is your profile really something that will attract women? Ask yourself these questions:

  • Is your Mom the only person who's written on your Wall?
  • Are all your tagged photos those ones that are a chart and say crap like “Tag the herp-derpin'-derp friend that likes breathing air!” in little boxes?
  • If your profile photo a car that you don't own?

If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions, meaning that your Facebook is empty of any signs of life, she's going to think you're a creepy little fuck that has no friends. It's not like someone has to write on your wall every day or anything, but if the two most recent posts are your parents wishing you “Happy Birthday!” two years apart, well, there's a problem. As for photos, just hide them. Easy fix right there, but as for your profile photo the only reason it should be a car is if you're a Transformer. Which, unsurprisingly, you are not. Change it.  The reason Jack Nicholson went all batshit in The Shining is because the hotel was vacant, just like your profile. No girl's actively out there pursuing a good ol' axe to the face.

4. You Talk About your “Feelings”

YOU ARE A MAN. MEN DON'T DO THAT SHIT. If we're having a casual conversation about our weekends and you start getting all teary-eyed talking about how your dog died and how you unexpectedly ran out of tampons for your mangina, I'm going to make a really pained face and come up with some half-assed on the fly excuse abut how I have to leave… to do… stuff… somewhere else. Think of it this way, would you like it if some girl came up to you and blatantly said “I am currently leaking fluid out of my vaginal cavity”? NO. So why would you share personal shit like that the first time you meet someone??

5. You Think Brand Names Makes You Hot Shit

If you're under the impression that wearing your brand-spankin'-new vintage Ralph Lauren visor with multicolored ponies all over it topped with a bedazzled signature by the Pope makes you cool, you're sadly mistaken. If you suck, you suck. The clothes you wear don't change that simple fact. Most people I know would rather talk to some bumfuck wearing shit from Kohl's that can carry a pleasant conversation over some stupid mafumbo that thinks expensive clothes make him more desirable. Given the options of being stuck talking to you for an hour or making out with currently operating chainsaw…I'll take my chances with the chainsaw.

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