Wanna know what I do? Have sex. Wanna know what’s on my phone? Nude pics. Wanna know why it’s not a big deal? Because 99% of every sexually active person in the country does the same shit. How do I know this? Because I have a brain. Because as I was skimming the pics leaked in this ridiculous nude-gate pic scandal, I found myself saying, “I’ve totally posed like that” and chuckling over the fact that we women are all really unoriginal when it comes to our nude poses. But apparently so are dudes. Especially baseball ones. You all take topless pics with your shaving kit in front. F for creativity, Verlander et al MLB and AAA players! I might be bias, having dated a few athletes and dealt with the distance thing; sexting and pics and videos help keep interest and intimacy alive when you’re significant other is playing baseball in some podunk town two thousand miles away.
But let’s be real: If you’ve never sent or received a nude pic, or a semi nude pic, you’re lying, or you’re underage. So here are five reasons nudes aren’t a big deal.
5. It wasn’t an angry ex-boyfriend or girlfriend who did it.
Not that being hacked and violated by a total stranger makes it better, but I think it should quell the whole “these people should know better” mantra from all these personal privacy gurus whose own mothers don’t even care what they do. Everyone is allowed to have sex. Everyone is allowed to take personal, private pictures and/or videos of themselves and send them to whomever they like (and keep them from whomever they don’t). Being hacked doesn’t mean these people were dumb, irresponsible or naive. It means some sketchy person with way too much time on their hands that should probably be working for the CIA hacked their shit. It’s like when someone steals your credit card number. No one says “oh man, you should have been smarter and not used your credit card.” Shit happens.
4. Slut shaming is lame.
Unless you have never, ever had sex, you have zero right to criticize any of these people for the shit in these pics. I have sex. I have a vagina, you probably have a penis. I’ve taken pics, I’ve done sexual things. The fact that these people’s documentation of their activities that are very similar to the activities of all sexually active people got leaked, doesn’t make them slutty. Doesn’t make them a whore. It makes them sexually active people, just like you and me. Acting as though these people being naked, enjoying their bodies or fucking makes anyone slutty is hypocritical and stupid. Unless you’re going to say if you were dating Kate Upton you’d do nothing physical with her but respect her and go shopping with her? If you have sex, then you’re no better or worse than these people. You’re probably just a lot less successful and no where near as attractive.
3. This makes celebrities easy to relate to.
I always said I would give credit to the first celeb who had pics leaked and owned it. Becca Tobin from Glee did that with this stash of pics. While the pics of her were much more limited than the pics of Upton and JLaw, she still dealt with it the way any adult female who unashamedly has sex should. She tweeted “Merry XXXMas”. Simple, To the point. Unapologetic. Funny. They can’t make you feel bad for something you aren’t embarrassed of. If this chick can laugh about shit like this, she’s cool, down to earth, and doesn’t take herself too seriously. She realizes what I’ve said throughout this whole article – we all do it, who gives a shit? Let’s go have a beer.
2. Because nude pics are like marijuana.
Seriously, think of it this way. Everyone smokes weed. Aside from myself (…true story), I don’t know anyone who has never smoked weed. It’s not even considered a drug anymore in most social circles. People look at smoking weed like having a beer. But it’s still illegal and when you get caught doing it by certain people, you feel all ashamed and embarrassed. ButWhy? Why does anyone feel ashamed about doing shit that is common, average and non-harmful (when done safely and by choice, obv)? Why do people get off to the idea of fucking Kate Upton, but then call her a slut when they find out she gets naked with her boyfriend? Jealousy? Ignorance? Hypocrisy? Whatever it is, it’s dumb. If someone found out I was having ridiculous amounts of sex with a Cy Young winner, I would be pretty fucking proud, not embarrassed. And I don’t even have Kate Upton’s tits.
1. Because we all do it.
The sad truth is, this could have happened to any of us. Any one of us. But it probably won’t because we’re just not as interesting as these people. So it’s easy for everyone to throw shade at those involved like they’re bad people or sluts or naive because they’re the ones who got exposed. But if someone went through my phone right now, they’d find a lot of headless pics of me in boy shorts and bikini bottoms posing and doing stuff I wouldn’t exactly want my mom to see. But if they ever leaked, I’d say “congrats you’ve proved that I do indeed have the sex I claim to have”. I’m not ashamed of my body, or the sex I have, or the fact that I’m sexually active. I would have nothing to apologize for and nothing to be embarrassed about, especially because those pics look damn good if I do say so myself. These pictures don’t make these people any less talented, beautiful, successful. Verlander and Upton’s odd naked prom pose pics doesn’t make him any less of a successful pitcher, or her any less of a desirable, successful model. Jennifer Lawrence doesn’t have to give back her Oscar because she does do it yourself Playboy spreads and suddenly confirmed to the world that she has sex. These people are the same people with or without their clothes on, just like the rest of us.
I want more like this!
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