Life
by A-Mac on July 16, 2014

beach-bar

We’re deep in the dog days of summer, which means the game has undoubtedly changed for the better. No longer are we subject to rathole college bars with inch-thick grime on the floors and dookie all over the bathrooms. I mean, most beach bars also have dookie all over the bathrooms, but that’s a minor drawback compared to their illustrious exhibition of bronze boobies, brazenness, and beer-soaked sandbars.

Like I said, the bar game has changed now that we’re emancipated from the shackles of academia. We have to adapt to warmer watering holes filled with old and young demographics while still maintaining the signature steeze we harbor back at school.

Here are five ways to keep it classy, not trashy, and just a little bit nasty at a beach bar this summer:

Crust Your Cup Rim with Sand

If you reside anywhere within the confines of the glorious Mid-Atlantic Region, you may or may not be familiar with a drink called the Bohtini. This playful little “cocktail” consists of nothing more than a National Bohemian poured in a glass crusted with Old Bay seasoning around the rim. Any kind of crust around the rim of your drink makes it appear stylish and sophisticated, qualities which positively reflect the drink holder. Sprinkle some sand around the rim of your cocktail to draw some Ray-Ban-covered eyes. It’s foolish and juvenile, but some power moves are supposed to be bold like that, especially this next one…

Wear a Banana Hammock

Let’s play this out really quickly. The happiest of hours has finally arrived, so you head to your favorite bar overlooking the late-afternoon surf. You finally get there and quickly scan the new environment. In terms of attire, the girls always kill it at these places. They wear just enough to simultaneously complete the two opposite tasks of covering the topics and keeping it interesting. But for the dudes, it’s nothing but board shorts across the, well, board. What can you do to rupture the status quo? Say fuck it, take a couple shots of something awful, and throw on a banana hammock without giving any of those three actions a second thought. The hairier you are, the more effective this will be.

Drink At Least One Jack Daniels Neat

As with the Borat beach attire, this is about conveying a message. You’re not just drinking Jack Daniels without ice; you’re making a personal statement. People will immediately notice your defiance of everything a beach bar stands for: cheap prices, palatable liquor, and high-fructose concoctions. It’s like asking if Ron Swanson enjoys Halloween. He’d rather enjoy a single malt and a nice steak than indulge in sweets.

Order an Absurd Drink That Doesn’t Exist

Once you’re smashed and no longer notice the sun pounding ruby red into the back of your neck, it’s time to up the ante a little bit. And since drunkenness equals creativity, that means testing your smoke show of a bartendress with a preposterous drink order. Act like you’ve never stepped foot in a bar by using the coy and bashful approach. Ask for a soaring ballerina slipper or blue-eyed panda fart, and when she has no idea what the fuck you’re talking about, tell her to surprise you. If she’s one of the good ones, she’ll be zealous toward the challenge and whip you up an original creation. Now she’s ready to meet the parents and be your future ex-wife.

Tip the Bartendress Double

Because she won’t want to elope with you if you don’t express financial security.

[Image via Shutterstock]

A-Mac

About A-Mac...

A-Mac is a regular columnist for BroBible. He is a disillusioned recipient of a journalism degree from the University of Maryland. During his free time, he indulges himself in navel lint collecting, Baltimore sports, self-loathing, and those questionable mini tacos from 711.