Snack foods are supposed to make your day just a little bit more enjoyable. Except for the fact that a few them are so infuriating, it's impossible not to be enraged for all of eternity:
5. Corn Nuts
In a previous life, I was blissfully unaware of the crunchy atrocity that is the corn nut.
But then my roommate came home one time all munching-like, chewing on shit and talking at the same time. The sort of crunch that just pounds at your ears and makes you want to punch everything in the face.
The source of all this rage was a bowl of diseased popcorn kernels, so I was all like "why are you eating Chad Johnson's rejected grillz?" And he was all like "nah man, corn nuts. Have some."
And that was all I needed to know about the corn nut.
4. Smartfood White Cheddar Popcorn
Don't flatter yourself. When you're a pre-packaged item whose big sell is a decidedly average strain of cheese, there's really nothing "smart" about you.
Makes the list for terrible branding. This Cheetah is not cool. He's clearly someone that would hang out after school and tell little kids all about the candy in his van.
Blasphemous, perhaps. But please allow me to provide reason, via this three part mini-essay:
A. Taste: I understand that this is a completely subjective category, so the only thing I have to say here is that the combination of chip and chemically-crafted dust is simply not for me. I know, I know, right now you're probably all like "but what about cool ranch? You can't not like cool ranch!" Well, hypothetical bullshit spewer, fuck you and your assumption that eveyone likes cool ranch. Cool Ranch is just a slightly altered version of regular. Liking Cool Ranch and not the original Dorito would be like liking every Steve Carell movie, but hating the 40 Year-Old Virgin.
B. The Residue: You get it on your fingers. You get it on the corners of your mouth. You wipe it on your shirt. Soon enough, you're gonna have to enroll the Charles Xavier school, citing mutating into a Dorito.
C. Smell: There is nothing subjective about this one--the stench of the Dorito strongly resembles the toilet-vomit odor commonly found in a Danny McBride movie. This wouldn't be awful, except that you also have to eat them. Meaning that your breath now reeks of Dorito. Meaning that scientists searching far and wide to find ways to limit human reproduction rates should just give explosive populations endless supplies of Doritos. .
Yep. Actually just a shitload of Bugles.