Life
by Isaac Himmelman on April 24, 2013

But alas, you are coming of age in a time when men get their man-butterfly wings clipped by the manicured little soft-hands of modernity. They force you out the cocoon, and they clip off you your man-butterfly wings and they leave you, after college, alone, cold, jobless, wingless, living at your parent's place, surfing the net for hard-core amateur girl-on-girl.

There is hope though, Bro. There are men in the world that have spread their wings wide and conquered. These men serve you, the Bro, as glowing examples of what can and should be achieved by you after you graduate and leave the cocoon. I present “The 5 Men Every Bro Should Admire:”

 

1. Jay-Z

Aside from the fact that the man is the voice of our generation (haters, listen to The Blueprint 1 and get back to me,) Jay-Z is also an entrepreneur par-excellence, a proud father, and a family man. Furthermore, he’s a self-made millionaire. To quote Yong Hov himself, “I’m not a business man. I’m a business, man.” Also, he's married to Beyonce. Though a buddy of mine, Nico, put it nicely once when he said, “Sometimes I'm jealous of Jay-Z for marrying Beyonce. Other times I'm jealous of Beyonce for marrying Jay-Z.” Fair play.

2. Barack Obama

A man's politics are not my business and it’s not my job to get political. I do know this though: Barack Obama is the fucking man. First of all, he's the President of the United States of America, which makes him the most powerful dude in the world. Second, all points indicate the man is a great dad and a great husband. Go look at a picture of the Obama family one time, and tell me they aren’t the perfect picture of an All-American Power Family. Third, dude looks killer in a suit. Fourth, I repeat: He's the President of the United States of America. Next time you're watching CNN, compare our president to any other country's president and take pride that ours is legit-as-hell.

3. Capt. Sully

 

In case you tend to forget the most important moments in history, Capt. Sully (aka Captain Chesley Sullenberger) is the man who landed US Airways Flight 1549 in the middle of the Hudson River after it'd been disabled by a flock of Canadian geese (typical Canadian geese, am I right?) For that reason alone, Capt. Sully is the man because only the man would have the wherewithal to land a plane in the middle of a freaking river. But he's the man for other reasons too. Like for example, he's a former air-force pilot. Air-force pilots are bad-fucking-ass. Also, he's a captain. When a man gets to put “Capt” before his name, he’s stepped onto a whole new plane (ayo!) Also, he has a fantastic mustache so bros, take notes.


4. Tom Brady

In the olden days, when we all lived in roaming war-tribes, the smartest, strongest, best looking tribesman would be generally be dubbed tribal chief. It was the tribal chief’s job to lead us into battle, lord over the cattle, and decide who marries who. Nowadays things are different, and the same man who thousands of years ago would've been dubbed tribal-chief, now gets paid 6.5 million bucks a year to play quarterback for the New England Patriots. Also, in keeping with the ancient tribal tradition of the most eligible woman in the tribe marrying the tribe’s chief, chaboy Brady is married to Gisele.


5. Neil Diamond

You’re probably thinking, why Neil Diamond? I’ll tell you why Neil Diamond. Because after two bottom-feeder scumbags bombed the Boston Marathon, Neil showed up at Fenway unannounced and on his own dime to perform “Sweet Caroline” during the eighth-inning. That’s a class act.

 

Alright, that’s five. If you can think of anymore, feel free to comment. Other then that, go hard, be safe, don’t disrespect women, God bless America.