I’ll be honest with you guys. I have no idea where hashtags came from and why they even exist, but they’re here and we have to live with them now. Like any form of coexistence, regulations and ground rules need to be in place to make sure shit doesn’t get ridiculous.
Unfortunately, that didn’t happen and shit got ridiculous almost immediately. If you’re not using these hashtags ironically or as a means to make fun of someone else, you are part of the problem.
Hey everyone, “The Motto” came out, like, three years ago. And guess what? It was an okay song. Not great, not terrible. It was just there and “YOLO” inexplicably came out of it. Sure, it was funny the first year when people were actually creative and funny, but now only the people that are notoriously late to jokes/trends are using it. Also, a quick Twitter search of “#YOLO” will make you lose faith in humanity. For example, I found a girl who chose to watch Godzilla and eat a full pizza by herself instead of studying for her chemistry final because #yolo.
This chick may be your fucking doctor one day, man.
Every time an Instagram model with ass shots and breast implants tweets this out at noon, on a Tuesday, an angel dies. Only super rich, super slutty, or super unemployed people use this hashtag. The first thought of a regular, real-life, working professional is not to tweet out a hashtag about the idea of waking up. We’re too busy living our lives and trying to put one foot in front of the other.
When you are waking up in the early afternoon because you have disposable income, have aspirations of fucking someone with disposable income, or you have no income because you’re either unemployable or living the college life, you simply have the free time to tweet out nonsense. Just keep it to yourself, please. The last thing people trapped in cubes want to know is that you are about to work out either three hours earlier or later than when they woke up.
A terrible phrase and an even worse hashtag. Basically, we are living in the golden age of being a dick and this is the battle cry. It is more or less going up to someone and saying, “Hey man, sorry for being an asshole to you. Oh, wait. No I’m not, I actually meant everything that I did” in hashtag form. Call me old school, but I’m all for the more straight forward “Fuck you.” Gets the point across quicker.
If you’re a terrible person and work at an ad-agency, the smart money says to pitch a #HappyNotHappy Prozac ad and just wait for you bank account to fill itself. Remember, it’s the golden age of being a dick.
Lonely Twitter rejoice! Your hashtag made the cut. Unfortunately for you guys, this hashtag is fueled solely on relationship happiness and your tears. Sure, maybe the relationship you’re in doesn’t resemble the rom-coms/porn you watch all night in bed by yourself. You’re not going to let that stop you from hitting the meme generator and creating your own ideal relationship to post on a public social media website to complete strangers, right? Right.
The worst of the worst. If you follow anyone that uses this hashtag in a serious way, you need to unfollow them and immediately reevaluate your life. The people that use that hashtag honestly believe that some higher power decided to make sure McDonald’s breakfast didn’t close EXACTLY at 10:30am. That in itself is borderline sociopathic.
If you don’t believe me, I’m pretty sure this is Justin Bieber’s favorite hashtag. That’s basically like finding OJ’s glove with warm blood still on it.
Follow Dub J on Twitter and check his blog, A Working Man’s Diary