Now, all you bastards are lucky enough to have girls with f*cking Leica-quality cameras on their phones. I've seen more art value in nekked cell phone pictures than I've ever seen in modern art museums. Chicks looking back over their shoulder are like art deco pieces, with different lighting so their butts look like magical wastelands. Thank you inventor of Photo Booth at Mac. (Also, random interjection: how many nekked babes do the dudes at the Genius Bar of the Apple store see each day? Bet it's just a rotation of smokeshows of the day dropping yoga pants…)
So what did I think when I saw this “Ask a Flow” question? Wow. First of all, which friends are these that allegedly keep sending me these photos? But, for all you guys out there, there are some serious ground rules you need in place to maintain your place as a noble recipient — and explain to current girls why they can keep them coming.
1. Don't Share
This is the toughest rule. You know you want to show the team those epic pics of Ms. Sweetheart doing the spread-leg charleston… but you can't. Listen dipshit, pictures always get forwarded on. By telling dudes/showing them, that will somehow, and probably instantly get back to the girl. Remember: Girls tell each other everything. You'll be blacklisted from the BBM picture list.
2. Be Careful What You Send Back
Unless you're packing major heat or work out seven days a week, chicks really aren't that stoked to see a picture of just your hammer. They're not going to go wild for it, and then your evidence is out there for all of the Internet to see. Plus, Roger Goodell might fine you 50 large for being “uncooperative.”
3. Compliment Her
It's not very easy for girls to point the camera over their shoulder, hope the flash doesn't go off, bend their back just right so their ass is popping… So just say thanks. I'm not the nicest guy in the world; in fact “a**hole” has been a common nickname co-eds have pegged me with after I've soiled their sheets with Flownaise. When you compliment them, they'll love it. Think: 2010 Girls Gone Wild. Those chicks got nekked for the vids back in the day because mad dudes who were hooting were building their limited self-esteem tanks.
4. Take the Pics Off Your E-mail
If you've caught up to the modern century and have e-mail on your phone, those pics will be on your phone. Losing a phone is too easy: You kill the camo cans with JoePa and next thing you know you're asleep on Fairfield Beach… it happens. If someone finds your phone, it's f*cking priceless gold. I found a phone and didn't even bother looking at missed calls to see who it was… just flipped right to the pic section to see what awaited me there. Get that shit off your e-mail and in a locked file on your hardrive. Plus, you never know if this babe will be the next Vice President or something.
5. Never Underestimate the Yoga Pant Pic
Seriously, who the f*ck invented these? That guy is my hero. Makes an instant shelf out of any ass. Girls, I love these, and my e-mail is matt [at] brobible [dot] com. But in all seriousness, you don't have to get stark nekked for me to get stoked.
Advice from MarilynMonBRO: Marilyn knows my style and knows my general lack of moral fiber. In that vain she offered this advice:
“Don't do it, haha. But if she does, at least cut off the head. And if he sends them out? All bets are off. But any chick that just lets it flow free knows what she's getting into.”
She's great but don't listen to that “don't do it” girls.