Sure the ring is a different shape and the punches aren’t gentle cheek caresses, but the same guys who cheer on Anderson Silva smelled what the Rock was cookin’ 15 years ago. MMA enthusiasts love to tout the reality and edginess of the sport, but in the end, they’re watching half-naked dudes with domestic abuse convictions smack the shit out of each other, and I guarantee this isn’t the first time.
4. EDM is Today’s Hip-Hop
Unless you’re European or a Guido, you did not know or give a fuck about EDM until 2007. It wasn’t even EDM then, it was techno and it was weird. I experienced the succession of hip-hop to house first hand. On the first day of college, every dude I know traded in his basketball jersey for a day-glo tank and his weed for molly. You may post Afrojack remixes on your wall, but there is still a G-Unit quote in your About section.
3. Finance Bros are the Ad Men of the Past
I don’t know any men who work in advertising. I’m pretty sure Congress enacted a statute limiting it to chicks and gay dudes. I do, however, watch a shit-ton of Mad Men. Therefore, I have the authority to state that the hard-partying, type-A, money hungry men formerly found in the advertising world simply headed downtown towards the banks. Where will they go next? Probably the Hamptons, but after that, I’m not too sure.
2. Game of Thrones Is Trendy Lord of the Rings
Here’s a dilemma: you love the dragons, magic, and swords that are germane to the Tolkien classic. Unfortunately, the Tolkien classic is blighted by it’s tubby, acne-ridden fan base. Solution? Swap out J.R.R. for George R.R., add cursing with tits and you’ve got the highly entertaining, and more importantly, socially acceptable Game of Thrones. Who doesn’t love HBO (besides poor people)? I’d go so far as to say those who beat off to the Khaleesi now had a thing for Hermione back in the day.
1.Foodies Are Fat People in Disguise
You know those people who are wine connoisseurs? They’ve got the temperature-controlled cellar in the basement and have a glass of Riesling with every meal? They’re not aficionados on grapes, they’re fucking alcoholics, okay? Same deal with the foodie movement. Whether you adore locally-sourced Foie gras or wolf down Big Macs, you’re a pig. No need for the euphemisms. Truffle oil is simply sexy mayonnaise.
That wraps it up for me. Anyone spot another offender I’ve missed? Anyone think I’m full of shit? Anyone ever go to the movies and when the lady rips your ticket and says “enjoy the show” you awkwardly respond, “You too”? Sucks. Leave your thoughts in the comments section!
Krum is a NYC based comedian. Follow him on Twitter @KrumLifeDotCom