The sometimes sleazy combination of guzzling mass amounts of hard liquor and frivolously engaging in sloppy organ grinding rituals of the flesh has been synonymous with good fucking times and bad decisions ever since before the day when that Italian bastard, Christopher Columbus, and his loathsome band of pigmy humping thieves, set sail across the high seas to get piss-pants-drunk on homemade wine, discover new trade routes, and twist the nipples of all the sweet ass, natives they encountered along the way.
Not that you need a history lesson but hell, one aspect of the Renaissance period that is often left unexplored in the American text books is that the majority of men from that era were living life with uncircumcised peckers. Truth is, there were not many finely groomed wieners flopping around town until about 1870, unless that properly trimmed meat stick just so happened to be attached to a Jew or an Egyptian priest. Therefore, it is highly probable that the majority of Columbus’ crew were out there on the Atlantic knocking boots with lady folk with some pretty funky junk that may have closely resembled a one-eyed catfish. Not only that, but elements of spending too much time at sea, like chronic inebriation and vicious bouts of calenture, often caused some of those wild ass Spaniards to get pretty freaky with their female conquests when it finally came time to take those thirsty fishes for a swim.
Hell, some of those sex starved lunatics even resorted to tenderizing the cornucopia of foreign whisker biscuits they met during their expeditions with things like empty liquor bottles as a means for compensating for their grunt-and-gunk, minuteman sexual showmanship. And while this sleazy phenomenon has absolutely nothing to do with circumcision, I felt it was worth mentioning in order to slowly work some of you soft sons of bitches into the real life-blood of this article - booze bottle dildos.
Even though there is scientific evidence that suggests some of the first sex toys were invented during the Paleolithic period, some 30,000 years ago, the truth is, there was never really any use for those muff thumping sex taboos, commonly chiseled out stone and wood, aboard Columbus’ vessels of swinging dicks and testosterone. In fact, any man that stepped onboard the Nina or the Santa Maria with his luggage in one hand and a seven-inch concrete dildo in the other would almost certainly be stricken blind with a dead barracuda and impaled on a busted mop handle. So, it stands to reason that if any of Columbus’ sadistic seamen wanted to spice up a voyage romance with a Haitian hottie, they would have likely been reduced to using a modest collection of empty Madeira wine bottles scattered all across the deck.
Of course, I don’t have to tell you that the idea of integrating a liquor bottle into your sex life is one that will be sorely frowned upon by today’s standards. But honestly, while the act of going buck wild on your old lady’s cooter with a whiskey bottle may sound like a lost page from the days of the Roman Empire, we can find absolutely nothing wrong with exercising this nasty little smut tactic, just as long as she soberly agrees to play along without pressing criminal charges.
It is worth mentioning, however, that there are some serious risk factors involved when incorporating glass liquor bottles into your bedroom activities – giving your girlfriend a bloody lips and a cut-rate hysterectomy should be your biggest concern.
That said, if you and your special love interest should ever engage in such a raucous act of ultra-sexual depravity, we strongly advise using the following bottles:
Blanton’s Bourbon (pictured above):
Ride the pony - 2-1 this thoroughbred makes her come first.
Because who doesn’t want to feed a squirrel to a beaver?
Remy Martin Louis XIII Cognac:
Give her a speech impediment – just like Louis XIII.
Crystal Head Vodka:
Give her a little head – literally!
Hijos De Villa Pistol Reposado Tequila:
Gives a whole new meaning to a Stick Up!