[inline:hangover]It's Friday morning, or any morning during the work week for that matter, your alarm goes off. You turn to look at the clock and then you realize that you have to go to f*cking work today. Misery sets in and you begin to wish that you had had a fatal aneurysm in your sleep. You've gotten roughly 4 hours of alcohol-induced shut-eye and for all intents and purposes, you are still completely shit-faced from the night before. Just then you have a brilliant idea; you determine that you can be 30 minutes late for work, so you reset your alarm and go back to bed with the hopes of waking up sober. You are an ignorant f*ck for even thinking this but ignorance makes you a man, so embrace it. Thirty minutes later, your alarm goes off and now not only are you still shit faced, but your head is spinning like a f*cking merry-go-round and there is a good chance you might blow chunks. You reluctantly drag your ass out of bed and you try to convince yourself that a cold shower will make you feel better. It won't. While in the shower you realize that work is going to be about as pleasant as having a railroad spike hammered into the head of your average-sized cock. You begin to weigh your options. You consider calling out of work because let's face it, your productivity for the day will rival that of someone who is in a coma with inoperable brain damage. Tragically, however, you remember that you've already used up all your sick days and that doesn't include the three times that you fictitiously killed your grandmother to get out of work this year -- you hate the b*tch for forgetting your fourteenth birthday, so we'll let it slide. With no way to get out of work, you finally grasp that unless you find a way to hospitalize yourself, you're stuck. Now what? Before you get to work: 1. After your shower, bathe yourself in cologne and brush your teeth at least twice. Even though you showered, booze will be seeping from your pores for several hours. If you work for BroBible, skip this step, but if you don't, going into work smelling like a used douchebag and a bottle of tequila usually doesn't sit well with the suits. 2. Take a heavy dose of Advil with about 16 ounces of water before you leave your house. (Note: If this were a Saturday or Sunday, substitute the Advil for Vicodin or Percocet, sleep till 5 p.m., then wake up and recommence revelry. It may be terrible for your liver, but God dammit it feels so good.)
[inline:waffles]3. If you feel like you are definitely going to spew, induce it while you're at home and not in a bathroom stall at work while Fred from Accounting is next to you playing BrickBreaker while he unloads his a**hole's treasures. 4. Eat something bland for breakfast like a plain bagel or toast. Wash it down with a recovery drink like Gatorade, or better yet, CodeBlue. If you don't know what CodeBlue is, you will soon. When at work: 5. When you get to the office, act normal. I have seen people come in with the "I'm hung-over" attitude, and it doesn't impress the higher-ups. That sort of behavior is only O.K. if you work for a really chill company, the suits were out partying with you, or if your boss lives vicariously through you and loves to hear about your sexual conquests and drunken tomfoolery. 6. Limit your coffee until you've re-hydrated. Caffeine seems like a good idea but you need lots of water first. Also, remember to take Advil, or the like, every 2 hours. 7. Catch a nap. If you have an office or a cube that allows you to sleep with your boss not being wise to it, do it. If not, take a stroll into the handicapped stall and doze off for an hour. If anyone asks where you were, tell them you just birthed a child-sized shit and then ask them if they'd like to see the picture you took of it with your phone. You're f*cked if they want to see it. 8. Don't focus on the clock, especially in the morning. Try to do some work or at least find something to keep you occupied like flirting with interns, administrative assistants, or Consuela, the ladies room janitor. 9. For lunch try to eat something greasy, but not if you have been pissing out of your ass the entire morning -- you don't want to risk shitting your pants. This is also a good time to mention that you probably shouldn't have faith in your farts being just farts today. 10. At about 3 p.m. you should start feeling somewhat normal again. Now is not the time for productivity, though. Now is the time to surf the web, figure out your fantasy football line-up for Sunday, read BroBible, or catch-up on any other articles you were previously too hung-over to focus on. In the event that you really can't make it to work, just fictitiously kill an aunt that you hate, or just off grandma again. Spend your free day fapping off, resting or just keep boozing, when it's doable, that always cures a hangover and most of life problems. Just don't post about it on Facebook.