Life
by Brandon Cohen on April 17, 2014

man-texting

In the world of dating apps/websites, there’s so much competition out there for cute girls, your opening line can make or break whether she will engage. How many times have you gotten matched with a PYT, but when you message her, she doesn’t respond? You hope that she got hit by a bus or something, but odds are, she was just turned off by your approach.

It’s insanely difficult to be funny, engaging, interesting, etc., in an opening line with a girl you know nearly nothing about. But while you may be a boring dolt who is a complete drain on society, I’m a creative genius, and have perfected the art of openers. Today, on this blog, I am giving away 42 openers to all of you…COMPLETELY FREE OF CHARGE. All I ask for in terms of payment is that if one of my openers helps you land a girl, you think of me when you hook up with her (but not, like, in a gay way or anything, be cool).

Not every girl calls for the same opener, so I’ve grouped them based on different situations. Please use discretion when choosing your opener. Using a Flirty Opener when the girl’s profile clearly calls for an Edgy Opener could lead to disaster. Best of luck.

CONFIDENT OPENERS:

  • Just got a haircut without running it by my mom. NBD.

  • Hey there, pretty lady. What should we order for breakfast the morning after our date? KEEP IN MIND, I AM GLUTEN INTOLERANT AND ALLERGIC TO NUTS.

  • I’m not saying I’m the type you can take home to your mom, but I’m definitely the type you can take home. Please do, actually, I’m homeless :(.

CURRENT EVENT OPENERS:

  • How ‘bout this Crimea and Russia situation? You know what else is a Crimea? That you and I aren’t getting a drink right now.

  • After looking at your pictures, my pants feel like Syria—a lot of unrest.

  • My heart’s breaking over these bloody insurgencies around the world. I just wish there was more I could do, ya know? Do you like making out?

FLIRTY OPENERS:

  • Hey cutie. You look like my step-sister… I’ve always had a crush on her ;)

  • Do you know how to play pool? If not, I could seductively come up behind you and teach you. Full Disclosure: I’ve never actually played pool.

  • FYI: I like being big spoon. But I’ve been known to do some little spoon, hehe. I’m also a fantastic fork. Ugh, I’m out of forks right now. It’s so annoying because I don’t own a dishwasher. Technically I do, but it’s such a piece of shit. It doesn’t work.  What were we talking about?

EMO OPENERS:

  • What’s the point of having a partner when we all die alone? But, I guess, if there’s anyone I’d be okay with wasting away the rest of my life with, it’d be you.

  • Sometimes I feel like I could go missing for weeks before anyone even noticed. I’d definitely notice if you went missing, on account of your nice boobs.

  • I think I love you more than I’ve ever loved myself.

EDGY OPENERS:

  • If you had to commit genocide, what race of people would you do it to and why?

  • Standard rules dictate that you shouldn’t talk about politics or religion on a first date… I won Student Council President in seventh grade, same year that I had my Bar Mitzvah. I don’t play by the rules…

  • I curse in front of my parents… what the fuck are they gonna do about it?

MANLY OPENERS:

  • Just sitting here drinking a beer and watching the game. Also, checking out a porno on my laptop and calling my friend gay. Impressed?

  • My beard is growing its own beard.

  • Hey, tits. One time I threw a football so hard, I almost dropped my whiskey, but I was able to catch it with my elephant trunk of a penis.

POLITICAL OPENERS:

  • Hilary Clinton really seems like she’s positioning herself to take a run at president in 2016. I’d like to position my groin to take a run at you.

  • Just enrolled for health insurance via Obamacare. Says it covers my dependents too. Any interest in filling that opening?

  • I’m not much of a political guy, but I just had to let you know that after going through your pics, I’m rocking a pretty hard John Boehner.

PHILOSOPHICAL OPENERS:

  • Sometimes I question why God allows bad things to happen to good people. For example, how have we never gone on a date?

  • Fuck, Marry, Kill: Nietzsche, Kierkegaard, Dostoyevsky?

  • If the technology existed, do you think it would be ethical for scientists to clone you? And if so, do you think your clone would be down for a threesome? Bring it up to her casually.

SELF-CONSCIOUS OPENERS:

  • Can’t believe we matched together. You’re so pretty, and physically speaking, I am simply hideous. I was cast to play the Hunchback in my school play, and we weren’t even doing The Hunchback of Notre Dame. It was for The Lion King. They added a hunchback just for me. Anyway, how are you?

  • I feel silly asking you this, you probably get hit up by like fifty guys a day, I know you’re out of my league, and there’s no shot you’ll ever respond to this, but I just wanted to say, this is so stupid, you’re probably showing this to all your friends right now and laughing, my god, I am just not cut out for this… *sigh*… how was your day?

  • We both know where this is heading. Let’s cut to the chase—call me an insensitive, self-involved, immature asshole and break up with me.

AGGRESSIVE OPENERS:

  • Ya know what the difference is between you and an angel? I’ve never masturbated to a picture of an angel :)

  • I’ve thought it over, and I’m okay with you keeping our yet-to-be-conceived baby.

  • Tell me about the biggest trauma in your life, give me your address, leave the door unlocked, I’ll be there in fifteen.

OMINOUS OPENERS:

  • Your bedroom is such a mess…

  • I would hate it if you met an untimely demise prior to our first date…

  • We would’ve made such a good couple. Real shame…

SENSITIVE OPENERS:

  • So exhausted. Been playing with my nephew and his new puppy in a flower patch all day while helping to feed the homeless.

  • I love my mom, and my grandma, and my sister. I pretty much love and respect all women. Except for my Aunt Janice, she’s a dumb bitch.

  • Just wanted you to know that it doesn’t matter why you’re annoyed with your roommate right now, I agree with you 100% and am here for you.

CONFUSING OPENERS:

  • -and trust me, that’s being generous. Hold on I have a call on the other line. Hello?

  • I don’t give a holy hell what Oprah says, I refuse to acknowledge Wiccans as a political party.

  • Congratulations! Thank you for enrolling in a relationship with (your name). To continue receiving these messages, reply ‘HEY’. To unsubscribe, reply ‘FUCK OFF’.

RICH GUY OPENERS:

  • Ugh, my personal chef made lobster steaks again. It’s like, how ‘bout a little variety, you piece of shit!?

  • Need help with a big decision – should my new yacht have a helipad OR a tennis court sized hot tub OR an aboveground wine cellar filled with gold?

  • Guess who’s no longer on his parents cell phone bill…?

[Man Texting via Shutterstock]


Brandon Cohen

About Brandon Cohen...

Brandon Cohen was raised by Jew gypsies on the sleepy island of Manhattan, and went on to defy the odds by graduating from a four-year accredited university in Nashville, TN. He's a writer and aspiring street fight videographer. Back in 2008, Brandon talked to Amanda Bynes at a club in LA for over fifteen minutes.