I’m still in that high school mindset that anyone who shows too much interest or enthusiasm for anything is a massive tool. I recognize the absurdity of applauding apathy, but at the same time it’s totally valid. If your personal identity can’t be separated from an activity (exception for pro-athletes and porn stars) you’re a loser, straight up. I remember this kid who sat in front of me in a college lecture; drove a BMW, constantly browsed BMW message boards in class, the motherfucker even had a quote from some Nazi BMW CEO in the yearbook. I know you’re getting douche chills just imagining it. Ever have a friend who turns into a bodybuilder overnight? One day he’s a nuanced individual, the next he exclusively wears TAPOUT and clogs your newsfeed with articles about muscle confusion? Fuckin’ pathetic. Unfortunately, cars and biceps are innocuous compared to what else is out there. I proudly present 4 Subcultures Everyone Should Avoid!
Never has a bro-noun been more misappropriated. 30-year-old guys obsessing over a cartoon intended for little girls. The cosplay, fan fiction, and conventions would be unsettling enough, but of course, the Bronies have taken it further. THERE IS A LEIGION OF GUYS OUT THERE JERKING OFF TO PONY PORN. They’re called Cloppers, in fact. Don’t believe me? Google image My Little Pony XXX. Then close your laptop. Then drop it into a vat of sulfuric acid. You should get the new Macbook, bro.
I thought I was a Steampunk. Who doesn’t like a nice schvitz after a lift? You sit there with your balls flopped out like an old man and take deep, exaggerated breaths while you sweat out last night’s pregame. Boy, was I wrong! These fuckwads like to wear hydro-powered prosthetic limbs and blast copper ray guns. That’s a whole ‘nother level of steam love. Well, I guess it’s back to the JCC locker room for me.
I mean, I get it. We all essentially did this in elementary school.
“I shot you, you’re dead!”
“No you didn’t, I’m invincible remember?”
Then we discovered more normal activities like kickball and naturally progressed to become fully functioning members of society. These guys just never made the transition to kickball. We simply have to go back in time, teach them how to play man sports, thus creating a butterfly effect. Or keep ‘em around. Remember, without LARP, there would be no Role Models and that movie was at least a 7/10.
Every year there is another Gathering of The Juggalos, and every year God smiles down on the blogging world and we’re given a bounty of material for at least a week. But you have to understand; Juggalos don’t disappear after the Gathering. They just head back to their hovels and smoke meth/swing hatchets in a local setting. So before you go to bed tonight, thank Mom and Dad for raising you in an ICP-free home.
All of a sudden hipsters and hippies don’t seem so bad, do they?!. Got any other rando subcultures that I missed? Are you a Juggalo? Please don’t kill me. Are you a Steampunk? Then I don’t have enough strength to give you all the wedgies you rightfully deserve. Leave your thoughts in the comments section!!!