You’ve been drinking all night and, sadly, you’ve been striking out more consistently than Michael Jordan as a baseball player, actor, degenerate gambler, or team owner. Maybe it’s that pungent cologne from the Mike Tyson collection, maybe it’s that your shirt has too many pictures of swords on it, or maybe it’s just your pickup line that makes generous use of coupling the term “smack addiction” with an unprovoked spanking isn’t’ a winner. Doesn’t matter though, we’re not Italian soldiers, so we’re not making excuses. You’re liver may be dying, but your phone still has some life left and, with a less-than-cogent thought fueled by your desire to wiggle your stink pickle around in a woman for a few minutes, you scroll through your phone and compose a text to a girl you used to regularly frequent.
Unluckily, you’re forgetting all the horribleness that led you to breaking up with this specific biddie a few months back. Your one-track mind isn’t remembering the atrocities you were subjected to when you were with her and, Anne Frankly, it’s the equivalent of only remembering Adolf Hitler as a gifted painter and persuasive public speaker.
Just like heroin, you should just say no and go home, and, also like heroin, once you start to experiment you could set yourself down a path where you’re waking up depressed, lifeless, and confused on a regular basis.
Stage 1—Experimentation: You meet up with that former sex nugget after the bar and go at it after exchanging minimal words; it’s like she’s banging Silent Bob or a specific pinball wizard. Honestly, where was this lack of complaining and chatter when you were dating? Satisfied, the next morning you steal ten dollars from her purse, take a dump in bathroom while using most of the toilet paper, and then leave with a sandwich you found in her fridge all before she wakes up. As you walk back to your place for a day filled with nachos, drinking games, and Edward Norton movies with your dudes, you concede that it’s a shame you two were never this perfect when you were together. You’re not aware of it, but you’ve just now created an unrealistic sexpectation for future sessions of “jam this in that.”
Stage 2—Regular Use: A couple weeks pass and the experiment has continued to the point of becoming routine. No longer are your only communications a text that reads “You up?” at 2:30am, a minute or two of pleasantries when you first arrive, and then the subsequent moans of pleasure and bliss-filled remarks like “Holy fuck, how are you doing that? Seriously, it’s like you’re speed-reading Braille!” during your intercoursing. Unfortunately for you, you two are beginning to slip back into your old ways: indulging in conversation, ordering food the next morning, actually watching an entire movie together and not just using it as a pretense for celebrating each other’s bodies through succinct seven-minute encounters. It’s truly grim that it’s common that your final destination has been set most nights before you even leave for the bar.
Stage 3—Risky Use/Abuse: This has progressed beyond carnal desire. No longer can you just steal cash and sandwiches and return home. No, if you were to do that at this point she’d want to discuss through a forty-minute phone call as to why you didn’t make breakfast like you did that one time that unfortunately, through a series of gentle nags, has become the expected norm for staying over now. She’s even taken you to a wedding or an event as a date at this point—yup, that’s right, date, not “fornicating friend” or “ass-play associate,” no, you’ve been taken as a fucking date. You’re tolerance for dealing with her garbage has increased. You’ve started lying about your behavior to people. And, predictably, you’ve started to make statements to yourself like, “I can quit whenever I want,” and, “this is just a phase.”
Stage 4—Addiction and Dependency: It hits you: you’re back in the same relationship without the label. This is exactly how it was before you worked up the nerve, confidence, and a few lies about your personality and family history to finally sever the tie of the old relationship. You’re hanging out with her out of obligation now, it’s not even about sex anymore, and you find yourself fantasizing about being divorced or dead in fifteen years. There’s no more rush; you’re just drifting, numb while she reads Glamour and makes plans for your spring break. She’s asking about double dating with people and all you can think about is how you wish you could go back to having a “smack addiction.”
Ex-boos can be tricky, but, rest assured, there’s a reason they’re ex’s. Moderation is key to not having it escalate: once is a fluke, twice is a coincidence, but thrice is a pattern. If you need further persuasion on not calling that mouth-breathing hussie, just try to remember all of the arguments and awful, dysfunctional time you shared, like when she was upset that you were drunk on your own birthday, or when she tried to get a reaction out of you by saying your parents didn’t love you, or even the time she threw a tantrum over you not being able to raise kids because you insisted on continuing to bong vodka.
Just say no, man; just say no and walk away.
[ex-girlfriend image via ShutterStock]