I fucking hate Halloween. Rather, I hate the bastardized “adult” version of Halloween celebrated by those age 12+. Sure the boobies are great, but those boobies come at a price: drunk assholes vomit-fighting in front of kids, awful ticketed events at clubs/bars and of course, the costume conundrum
Selecting a costume is an excruciatingly painful and nonsensical practice. You need to wear something funny but not too funny because too funny means you won’t be able to touch any boobies but don’t bother trying to be something scary and actually in tone with Halloween because the only thing boobies like less than something too funny is something scary. Any way you slice it, you’ll be wasting money and probably not touching boobies.
So neither I, nor anyone else can tell you what a “good” costume is for the upcoming fright night. But I can tell you what sucks. I proudly present the Four Lamest Types of Halloween Costumes.
1. Outdated/Unworthy Pop Culture Reference
“Look guys, I’m Manti Te’o! Remember that mildly controversial news story that mattered for 3 days last January?!” Listen, I’m all for pop culture costumes but it’s all in the timing and the relevancy. NOBODY FUCKING SAW THE JOHNNY DEPP LONE RANGER, SO DON’T FUCKING DRESS UP AS HIM. Additionally, there’s a difference between classic and outdated. “Hide Your Kids, Hide Your Wife” Guy- outdated. “Y’all See The Leprechaun Say Yea!” Guy- classic. Which leads me to my next point.
2. Racist Costumes
White people just refuse to stop dressing in blackface. We live in a society with a clearly defined rule about not painting your face a ridiculous shade to cartoonishly resemble a historically tortured group of people, yet we refuse to give in. “What if it’s a full moon and you got the bigger piece of the wishbone?” NO. DON’T DO IT. DO NOT DRESS IN BLACKFACE. Yet, much like racism itself, minstrel costumes are ever present. Of course, the ban on discriminatory attire goes beyond blackface. It also applies for the “Me so sowry” Chinaman, the “Peepee in your teepee” Indian Chief, and everyone’s favorite, the “Ottoman Empire has massacred my family” Armenian National.
3. Store-Bought Bullshit
This applies to dudes only. I could give a fuck less if every girl I know busts out the cliché slutty racecar driver costume. You know the one, all-black with the checkerboards on the shoulders?- it’s a classic. I’m talking about the 15 guys with the awful punny “Rock Out With Your Cock Out”. Not fun, not funny. Let’s say you want to be Mario. Grow out your moustache, buy some overalls and really lose yourself in the role. Don’t settle for some shitty, polyester royalty-free “Italian Plumber” costume. If I could offer you one piece of economic advice (and this is in fact, the only piece I have), it’s that store-bought Halloween costumes are lame as fuck. Except this $900 dollar Boba Fett masterpiece, that’s just a smart investment right there.
4. The Non-Fitter
If you are not tall, muscular and have a full head of blonde, slicked-back hair, you will NOT look like Patrick Bateman. You will just be a guy in a suit on. Maybe Patrick Bateman’s Jewish accountant at best. Clothes do not make the man and Halloween is a prime example. One year I decided to be Hulk Hogan. I got official wrestling tights, boots, Hulkamania t-shirt, wig and moustache. Only problem? I’m 5”6 with man-titties. I literally looked like the Midget lunchadores. If you can’t physically resemble the character, ditch the costume. Same principle applies to white guys dressing up as black guys and fat chicks not acknowledging they’re fat. Fat women, you’ll get far more respect from me for dressing up at the Kool-Aid (wo)Man than a weirdly chubby Miley Cyrus.
That wraps it up for me. Have any other loathsome costume types. Share ‘em in the comments section. Also big-ups to everyone who enjoyed my article about not answering texts!! Have a mediocre and wasteful Halloween!