Life
by Barkoff on July 10, 2013

Double-DMV's
Everyone hates the DMV. From the endless lines, to the sassy female employees behind the counter, most people would rather receive a colonoscopy than deal with a morning at the DMV. The Department of Motor Vehicle is almost as shitty as waiting for an SDT test at the free clinic…but without the free condoms.  Meet Double-DMV's, a strip club/lounge attached to the Department of Motor Vehicle. Just think, most strippers have names like Mercedes and Ferrari anyway, so we bring them in and boom the DMV is instantly 10 times or 4 breast sizes better. Tag line: The Only lines you'll see at Double DMV's are the bikini lines on our strippers.

Throwback Thursdate
E-Harmony, Tinder, even J-Date, it seems like dating sites are all the rage these days. Yet, many clients face the issue of people posting old photos that don't resemble what they currently look like. Just because you were a 9 in 1989, doesn't give you the right to deceive a potential suitor and have them meet a soft 4 in 2013. The solution, a dating site where you only post throwback Thursday pictures and you call it Throwback Thursdate. Lets be honest, the ONLY reason people really go on dating sites is to avoid the impending doom of being single at age 65 with no kids. So, join Throwback Thursdate and at least you know what your kids will look like when they're younger and before they get old and fat. Because everyone was cute as a child, but now…not so much

Avocadhoes
How many times have you stood on line at Chipotle and waited for the guy making your food to inform you of the douchey fact that “guacamole is $2 dollars extra.” Yes we get it, avocados are expensive, but getting any type of Mexican food without guacamole, is like getting a dry, violent handjob…It still may “hit the spot,” but it could be way better. Shit, I bet if the Pilgrims and Native Americans had access to avocados, we would be eating guacamole at Thanksgiving instead of that shitty canned Cranberry Sauce. The solution:  A strip club/guacamole restaurant called Avocadhoes, where the best guacamole is complementary with every lap dance. All money lost on avocados will be recovered and then profited on from the lap dances. I know, I know, you're thinking “another strip club,?” but come on boobs and guacamole, who wouldn't love that combo. Tagline: The guacamole isnt extra but the lap dances are.

Malnutrinked-In
Nowadays everyone is a member of LinkedIn and uses the same bullshit line that”it's a really good networking site” as justification. Get real, you don't do shit on LinkedIn other than stalk people from high school to see how much better off you are doing in life than them. Everyone knows how to use fucking PowerPoint and Microsoft word, we don't need you to list it under your “Skills” section. And you say you're a “people person,” well I'm glad you have the simple ability to interact with the only species with the same mental capacity as us( no dolphins are not our equals asshole.) Instead of just looking like a douche and trying to “link” with as many people as possible, why not combine LinkedIn with everyone’s favorite selfie website, and fully commit to being a selfish piece of shit. Welcome to MalnutrinkedIn, a LinkedIn type website that links Instagram food pics to starving children in 3rd World countries. Omg, you just posted a pick of your spicy tuna rolls on Instagram and hash tagged foodporn? Guess what, I live in a 1st world country where I can have access to that same sushi in 15 mins. Unless you belong to weight watchers or have some weird sexual fetish for food, that ain't porn. But to starving people in 3rd world countries, a picture of a cheeseburger and fries would be the biggest arousal possible. And is it cruel?  Well, of course it's cruel, but trust me, starving people would rather look at your food than I would want to read about your new job at Goldman Sachs. And your an asshole anyway, it's not like you donate to those kids with cleft palates on those commercials. Malnutrinked-In -Linking professional looking food to starving people all over the world.