36 Thoughts All Ladies Have When Swiping Your Dating Profile

As a twenty-something female living, working and passing out in the city that arguably never sleeps or stops sleeping around, I can attest that dating has moved over to the app side. It makes sense — we work all the time and when we go out we want to hang with our friends and drink until we forget that we’re adults with responsibilities. Interacting with randoms at the bar takes time and energy and sometimes penicillin.

Hence, the easier solution of swiping left or right until you find someone that looks like you can tolerate through a pitcher and some fries or until your kid gets into a decent school. To help you decide which photos to include in your profile/exercise in Darwinism, I’ve detailed a few passing female thoughts regarding the opposite gender below.

1. Please burn that fedora.

2. I can’t tell who you are in this group photo and that was a full seven seconds lost to the sands of time. Pass.

3. Adorable, maybe our amusingly small dogs can date too.

4. Ehhhh, not a hard yes or no… whatever, he’s from Connecticut.

5. Just because Men’s Warehouse is having a buy one get two free sale doesn’t mean you should wear them. It’s essentially kindling.

6. Why is he always holding babies or puppies? Women aren’t that predict….OMIGOD IT’S WEARING BOAT SHOES.

7. Oh cute, you work in finance AND drink heavily? Soul mates!.

8. I eerily look like his sister and own that dress. Too close to home.

9. Awwwwww he said he’s looking for his Blair Waldorf! I’m just as calculating <3

10. Is that an Eyes Wide Shut-themed party?

11. Meh, he looks like he’d be a better second husband.

12. Second-year med student? No thanks, only third-years can write prescriptions.

13. Is it that hard to tailor a suit? *throws wine glass at the wall, watches it shatter in slow motion*

14. Lovely, he understands the benefits of good lighting. Can’t be that dumb.

15. ‘Work hard, play hard’ as the bio? How pedestrian. Pass.

16. Looks like he’s cleaned up his act after getting kicked out of the Coast Guard.

17. Patrick Bateman for Halloween? Unoriginal. Pass.

18. Oh hi, photo of me and you at our final homecoming. Touché Grant, touché.

19. Ohhhhh, he’s only in the city on weekends. Hello new part-time favorite!

20. His pants are brighter than his smile!

21. Sweetie, you leaning on that white picket fence isn’t gaining you any points.

22. Your outfit says ‘Newport happy hour’ but your bio says ‘Crossfit’ and it’s just a damn shame.

23. He’s the perfect height to complement my favorite heels!

24. Passed out on an inflatable pool swan in the Hamptons? Too cliché.

25. His last name would turn my monogram into profanity. Pass.

26. A photo with three of my former sorority sisters? Hello, revenge.

27. “I’m looking for someone who’s kind and genuine.” *sips G&T and swipes left*

28. Is he in a night club or a strip club? Cheap red vinyl and fake mahogany seating all looks the same.

29. Oh wow, you’re quoting Anchorman. Lovely, so glad you have the wherewithal and originality to pinpoint the Gone With The Wind of our generation.

30. Have I already hooked up with him? Nope, just his friend. Damn you group pics, damn you.

31. Oh for the love of Christ, why are you at Disneyworld, you are a grown ass man. Let the dream die already.

32. Are the fraternity letters you’re wearing a symbol of your lost youth or was it laundry day?

33. What’s with the blue steel face, you’re prettier than me and it’s making me uncomfortable.

34. So glad we live in an age where ‘CEO’ and ‘entrepreneur’ also technically means, ‘unemployed’ **swipes left**

35. Why isn’t he smiling in any of his photos? You went to Harvard Law, you should be able to afford decent drugs.

36. Why is your pet in every photo oh God your dog probably watches you have sex.

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Sarah Solomon is a humor and fashion writer living out her delusions of grandeur in NYC. Follow her on @sarahsolfails or her parody account, @urbanJAP.