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I Went 30 Days Without Masturbating — Here’s My Story

By / 09.03.14
Must Not Fap

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Tim Ferris is a bullshitter.

His ideas are revolutionary but usually not plausible for the common man. He outlines how people could only work four hours per week, if you follow his plan, but his plan is essentially “work for yourself.” He explains how to create a body in four-hour body, if you’ve got twenty other hours in a day to train, prepare meals, and be miserable because your life is spent preparing meals and training.

In late July, Tim Ferris challenged me — and screw that bald prick for challenging me — to stop touching my bald prick. He didn’t challenge me personally, but he put out a challenge on his website urging men to give up drinking and jerking it for 30 days. Giving up the giggle juice for a month is simple. Going thirty days without fidgeting the digit is a tough task.

So why would a man give up personal flogging? It doesn’t hurt anybody (unless I’m low on lotion then things get a little rough) and it does have substantial health benefits. Ferris barked about the benefits of abstaining from vein draining and the big sell point were higher testosterone levels. Higher testosterone levels are important so let’s breeze over the most important to men in their 20s and 30s.

Research has found that men with low levels of testosterone suffer from bouts of depression. The folks in white coats aren’t really sure if depression leads to lower testosterone counts, or the reverse, but the two are directly connected to one another. Testosterone is vital in regulating insulin levels, glucose, and the metabolism of fat in the body so it higher levels help keep the body lean. T levels are also linked to stronger bones, a better ticker and decreasing the chances of getting Alzheimer’s disease in later years.

Last, and certainly not least, is the obvious benefit of in the sack. Higher T levels keeps your dong hard and your libido motoring. These might not be an issue for younger men but at a certain age your body and your dick kind of hit a wall. It’s due to lower production of testosterone. Keeping T levels in check now will be beneficial in the decades when no one wants to see a limp dick (or maybe even see it at all).

With the benefits numerous and the drawbacks really being only one (no masturbating) I circled September 1st on the calendar, made up a lie to tell the woman when she asked why that date was highlighted in red on the desk calendar “It’s Labor Day! It’s my second favorite holiday, right after ‘all the other holidays’” and prepared for thirty days without waiving my magic wand.

PREGAMING: Masturbation is no different than any other indulgence – it can be done to the point of overkill. If thirty days without masturbating is on the docket then a day of flogging was in order to get it all out of the system.I’ve always liked the expression “third time is a charm”, because I usually screw things up at least twice, and followed the rule of threes and hoped it got me through the month.

DAY 1: Everything is easy on day one – dieting, exercising, school, a new job and even abstaining from making the bald man spit. If every day is this easy I’ll go two months! Suck it, Ferris.

DAY 2: The woman and I almost had sex but were interrupted right in the middle. Then she wasn’t in the mood. Slightly uncomfortable case of blue balls is no way to start the workday. I needed to release.

DAY 1A: Alright, this is for fucking real this time! No excuses!

DAY 2: Going without self serving is easy so long as there is no visual stimulation. Holed up in the house, without any real women in the area, it’s easy to forget about sex. Put me out in the wild among short skirts and chicks running errands in yoga pants tighter than the epidermis and the gears in the mind start grinding. I bring this up because I spent the day at the beach. You see my point now.

DAY 1B: Just kidding, I didn’t, but god damn these new bikini styles.

DAY 5: A news story popped up in my feed about a lawsuit against the estate of Michael Jackson. The plaintiff gave explicit details about the many times Michael Jackson molested him as a kid. The plaintiff explained that Jackson used code words in public to relay sexual messages to the young boy. Jackson allegedly called his semen “duck butter” and that information made my entire process so much easier because there’s was no way I’d be able to jack it WITHOUT thinking of the word duck butter.

DAY 6: It’s more about the comfort of the deed than the actual deed. That’s what I said to myself in a moment of reflection. Masturbation in my life is a calming agent, especially right before bed. It’s like a nice warm glass of milk. I realize that’s the worst analogy to use when discussing the physical act of excreting semen but we’re all just going to have to be more adult about this process. And it’s a hell of a lot better than comparing it to duck butter.

DAY 8: Since most of my fapping occurs in the hour before bed, I tried to go to bed earlier than usual. If I’m not awake, there’s no urge to splurge. I’ve never been an “early to bed” type. I’ll needed the assistance of legal sleep aid. Zzzquil is as good as advertised. I was out of commission a solid hour before my usual slumber time. I’m not sure how the Vicks company will feel about my promotion of the product as a means to keep from masturbating.

DAY 10: Is 1pm too early to take Zzquil and go to bed? It doesn’t mention on the warning label. Also, is 1pm too early to go to bed?

Sleeping Fail

DAY 14: Relief is found in the form of sex. It feels like the cobwebs shook from inside my brain. Clarity is the dominant feeling of the day. The bad news is now I just want to fap to get that high back. I’ve had the sensation now I want the drug. The figurative drug because the literal drug, Zzzquil, got flushed because I was a day away from dropping into Gatorade as a no-fap sizzurp.

DAY 17: Has there ever been research done about testosterone and giving off a pheromone orscent of “let’s bang” because I had sex for the second time in three days and that’s crazy since the woman and I have been together for so long.

DAY 22: It was hot today. Real hot today. So hot that people forgot to wear half of their clothes. So hot that women were sweating through white shirts on the subway and working out in the gym in clothes that might as well been swimsuits. MUST. RESIST. MUST. FIGHT. URGE. DUCK BUTTER! DUCK BUTTER! DUCK BUTTER!

DAY 24: Sex again. Seriously, it’s saving my life. And I’m not even initiating. I’ve got to bottle this testosterone stuff. The bottle would look something like a nut sack or

DAY 30: There was plenty to celebrate on my last day in the no spank zone. I’d made it an entire month (minus the misfire on day 1) and had sex three times. I did feel better but wasn’t sure if it was a placebo effect or if not masturbating for thirty days. I didn’t seen insane progress at the gym or feel like my bones were any harder. Actually, one bone did feel harder, if you hear what I’m saying (elbow to your shoulder, eyes bulge).

I was tinkering with the idea of not tinkering with myself for even longer. See just how long I could pull this off. Could I go 45 days? Could I go two months? Could I make it to the end of the year without treating myself to a little self sexing?

No. It wasn’t happening. Too be more specific, it was The Fappening. I’m only a man.

Chris Illuminati plans on going 30 Days With/Without other things. If you’ve got an idea of something he should go without, or something he should try for a month, hit him up on Twitter or email him at chris.illuminati [@] wovendigital.com.


TAGS30 Days WithoutMasturbatingSex
Chris Illuminati
About Chris Illuminati... Here is more than you'll ever really want to know about me -- These are the books I've written, these are the places I've done or will do stand-up, these are the articles I've written, this is the blog I do about my inadequacies as a father and this is how you can get in touch with me.

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